atrophy

poor nourishment. lack of exercise. process of breaking down.

while in the process, one does not necessarily feel all that is taking place. trials and difficulties come, but one would still feel 'okay.' there are easy reasons to explain the weariness, the lack of purpose, the blurry focus. the breakdown is slow, gradual.

and then...

you experience it--life in its fullest. you see and feel and taste and touch and know all that you have been missing out on. and you simply want more. but you realize that it will take so much more work because you are atrophied. you need to rebuild strength and muscle and focus and drive.

step by step. one determined step after another. and eventually, taking a step isn't so hard--it becomes natural again. then, taking steps won't be enough. it will move from atrophied baby steps to hesitant shuffles, to a confident step, to full strides, to running...running freely and laughing. running freely and living life to the fullest because One breathed the very idea into us.

afternoon joy

took my dog for a walk this afternoon around the lake in a local park. he was borderline giddy. (if dogs can be such a thing.) sniffing down a billion different scents, chasing grasshoppers (not enjoying it when he caught one in his mouth), sitting at the shore and taking in it all... i think i enjoyed it about as much as he did.

the power of the commerical

i like yogurt. my kids do not...well...they will eat it when forced upon them under threat of not getting television time or video game time.

then enter: the commerical.

zach and cody are super pumped about their danimals crush cups. my boys can recite the commercial verbatim. i have heard about how good they are, how fun they are, how good they are for you. my youngest has begged me for them each trip to the grocery store. they have told me how much they like yogurt--only danimals yogurt. they have resorted to accusing me of not being a good mom because i have not purchased 'fun' food like that.

then came: the coupon.

there was cheering from the grocery cart today. the day was finally here--coupon in hand--we could FINALLY get the danimals crush cups. colin talked cheerfully all through the store about how he did not want his crush cup for a snack, he was saving it to be a part of his lunch. he was going to eat it all and it was going to be so much fun.

then: lunch.

who needs his favorite peanut butter sandwich when there is the almighty crush cup? i watched as he ate...no, DEVOURED...the few ounces of strawberry banana yogurt. he has NEVER eaten yogurt like that before. he slurped. he licked every corner of that little red container. he smiled all throughout. i smiled inside thinking: why didn't i think of this sooner? let them eat yogurt without a spoon. not in a bowl but in a little plastic cup that they can smash and squish. and the best part...let them slurp.

how can i convince advertisers to make vegetables that fun?

wisdom?

in reflecting on the past months and years, i have been thinking of things that i wish i would have done differently, things that i would have done exactly the same, things i would have done--but would have gone about them in a different manner than i did previously.

is that part of how wisdom is gained?--of learning from previous experiences? i do not know if that is how wisdom comes about or not, but i do know that it will be a life-long and continual process.

lemonade

i have decided to make lemonade today.

i have time to play with my son today without any hurry. i have time to exercise without feeling like it is an obligation crammed in at the end of the day. i am meeting with a friend later today to study the bible and talk and pray. i have had time to call family that i so needed to talk to. the weather is pretty much perfect, so there will be time to just go in the backyard and be. i will make the most of these opportunities and will continue to do so.

using the lemons for something sweeter...

aching

i have been aching with a terrible hurt.  chest burning, head clouded, tears streaming.

i have questions that may have no answers.  i have heard things that were good for me to hear, things that hurt me to the core, things that brought me to tears because the time is difficult and yet there is the reminder of how wonderful dear friends are, things that remind me of Where i am to look and put my trust in.  it still aches.

i have been up and down and up and down and up and down and up.  there are no answers at this exact moment other than to look Up, love wholly, and put one foot in front of the other and trust the One who is leading the journey.  i am broken, yet i know that my brokenness reveals Him at work, showing Himself in His glory, showing His unconditional love, showing His grace and mercy, His strength.

if aching brings me to Him, i will ache always.

good friday

good friday is always a day where i am not sure if i should feel ecstatic because of the spiritual significance or in mourning because of the deep cost that Jesus endured on my behalf.  it is a day where i come before God in humility because i realize just a taste of what He was willing to do to have a relationship with me.  i cry because i realize how unworthy i am and how selfless and complete His love is.  i feel so small and insignificant and so loved and adored in the same breath.  

i do not want to go about just as if it is any other day, because the day represents something so profound, life-changing, eternity-changing... i am looking forward to our church service this evening--just to worship a God that loves so completely, so lavishly.  all i can do is bow down and offer all of me back to Him in return.