a different beginning

2011 has begun. i always tend to approach the new year not with resolutions, but with remembering how blessed i have been and how blessed i truly am in all ways--spiritually, mentally, emotionally, physically. i do my best to look to the new year with an optimistic hope and a curiosity of how God is going to move and work in my and my family's life in the upcoming year.

this year is feeling so different because it is beginning with heartache.

we all have heartache and difficult times. i know that God uses those experiences in our lives to teach some of the most valuable lessons. i know that i have experienced deep hurts in the past and have survived...solely because of who God is and the strength He provides.

the heartache is deep because the hurt is coming from family. two people whom i do care about deeply have leveled some of the most cutting, hurting words and sentiments to me and about me and about my family.

what does one do when you try to reach out, compromise, be considerate, be thoughtful, be supportive, be encouraging, be generous when it is not reciprocated in return? does one keep trying despite the hurt that it causes oneself over and over? i understand sacrifice and would sacrifice anything for my family (close and extended) in a heartbeat, but i feel that i am at the point that i can give no more.

my heart breaks because i have been wounded to the core and feel that there is so little left to give. the offending party has winded me. my chest aches not because the things that they said are true, but because everything i have ever done or said has been twisted to be seen as intentionally hurting them. (trying to communicate or be involved is seen as intruding into their life, giving distance and space is ignoring and not caring. trying to help is seen as ordering and bossing around, doing nothing is seen as being insensitive and uncaring. asking questions to which they would not answer and then making a decision without their input because a decision needed to be made is seen as me disrespecting their views and thoughts.) it is not about 'winning', but i feel as though there is no way that i can be successful in existing in their life, let alone having a meaningful relationship.

the only thing that is helping me process this is to look at things from the perspective that their self-focused viewpoint is clouding their eyes from seeing seven plus years of attempted relationship. i know what it is like to live life for myself and i know what is like to live life the way Jesus asks us to (i do not do it perfectly, but i do know that He has been helping me more day by day). i cannot erase who i was before Jesus changed me, but i would have hoped that these two individuals would have seen the dramatic change that everyone else has for the past eighteen years.

i pray that God does mighty miracles in this upcoming year. i pray that He mends and heals and transforms. i pray that He brings resolution. i pray that He takes this most ugly moment and turns it into something beautiful. He is able. and i will trust Him.