breaking the silence

from the previous post, you know that there has been heartache in my life. the heartache still continues. sadly, things are not better...but in actuality, are worse. (or so it feels at this moment.) phone calls and e-mails have taken place. words have been twisted and rearranged to the point that one has to question what reality is/was. there has been silence and a bit of space. (which i desperately needed because it helps me to pull back and gain perspective and to look at the big picture of the situation) this time has caused me to look back and consider many things about life. here is a small attempt of sharing what i am learning in this moment:

i am grateful for the home i grew up in. i never once doubted that i was loved. i had parents who showed their love in tangible ways and who supported each of their children by letting them become their own unique people. my parents invested themselves into each of our lives in many ways...ways that i did not know or even understand at the time, but i am beginning to understand now. that experience greatly shaped who i am today. i am grateful.

God overwhelms me with His love and goodness. despite my flaws and the countless mistakes i make, He loves me in the most amazing of ways. unconditionally. sacrifically. tenderly. passionately. so much that He wants to help me grow each day...which sometimes means He disciplines and allows consequences so i can learn. when i think of His love for me, i tear up because it is so overwhelming. what a beautiful thing...

i do not understand God and His ways, but that does not mean that i do not trust Him. i really hate all that is going on in my extended family right now and i wish He would just intervene and bring peace. i am trusting Him that even through the heartache, He is at work and has something beautiful planned. i trust that He is going to bring beauty from the ashes...

my family--my husband and two boys--are such blessings to me. life may not always be easy with them (especially as we are foraging new territory with a pre-teen boy who is working through so many things in his life :) ), but i would not want to journey through life without them... they bring so many smiles to my face and heart and remind me of what the most important things in life are. i love them to pieces.

dear friends are a gift from God. i am reminded each day with phone calls and notes and visits and facebook postings what a treasure friendship is. i thank God that His plan included doing life together.

and silence. i have learned much in silence lately. silence is needed. it allows one to truly hear. it helps to sort things out in the chaos. i am learning that i hear God best when i am quiet because He speaks so softly and tenderly. i could surround myself in busyness and people, but i would miss out on so much. i need some silence. (i think we all do.)

until next time...

letting autumn in

turtlenecks and fleece vests, thick and fuzzy socks, down blankets...
all necessities because i want to avoid turning on the heat so i can let the autumn through the windows.

(and i will admit that my toes are frigid, but so enjoying the crisp air. :) )

chasing my tail

my dog makes me laugh. he loves socks and cleaning out the peanut butter jar. he loves to play fetch but doesn't like to give the ball to you. he is highly affectionate, yet has a hard time just being still sometimes. and he can run like a madman in the backyard and in the 'loop' in our home. and when he is really bored, he'll chew on his foot and work to chase his tail until he can finally catch up to it.

as you well know if you have read a few of my posts, i am in the midst of the job hunt. oh, what a journey it has been. i have searched and applied. interviewed and received plenty of rejection. i studied and completed my degree, hoping that it would open many more doors in the pursuit. applied and interviewed some more. i have a very hopeful prospect, but here is where i feel as though i am chasing my tail, just like my dog: now, it does not matter that my degree is in the right field. i need very specific credit hours--a very specific number of them with a very specific GPA. and the amazing thing...this is an entry-level job. i am trying to remain optimistic and present myself well, sharing the oodles of applicable experiences that i have out in the real world, but deep down...i feel like i am chasing my tail. i am not sure what i am going to do if i actually catch it.

i think i shall curl up on my loveseat, just like my dog, right now.

to overflow

mercy and grace are something difficult for me to fathom. i feel and experience them daily, but i admit that i do not understand their fullness, their depths. i am pretty sure that i limit the doses of the two in my life because of how i have been feeling about myself...especially lately. what an unwise choice. i am limiting how God can work in my life. to willfully limit or turn away such a lavish gift--wake up, girl!!! 


this morning, i was reminded of the grace and mercy that God extended to me. i was teary all morning during our bible study (and i am pretty sure that all the gals there thought i was some hot emotional mess). it moves me to think of the price that God is willing to pay to love and save me, yet how i quickly forget that or mess things up. in our study, we were reminded of how tenderly God loves and cares for us, of the grace and mercy He extends to us and...here is the part that got to me the most: we are to extend that grace and mercy to everyone we meet because we may be the only grace and mercy they experience today. no one needs to be beat down or judged any more than they already have been. God has limitless grace and mercy that we can share with each person we encounter. oh, how i need to live this way more intentionally...how it could change other's lives...and mine.


i have much to learn, on so many levels. i know that God was reminding me this morning that first, i need to receive His grace and mercy...fully. He delights in giving His grace and mercy and i want Him to delight in me. second, i need to extend that grace and mercy to everyone i encounter. Jesus has blessed me and overwhelmed me with His love and grace. that is what should be overflowing from my life.


what a divinely timed reminder in my life...

what i am doing...

okay...job hunting.
tough.
humbling.
discouraging.
energy-consuming.
full of potential.
searching for the right fit.
knowing that it is out there somewhere.
putting myself out there.
waiting.
hoping.
waiting.
following up.
waiting.
waiting.
hoping.
waiting.

slacker

yes...i have been a blogging slacker this summer. call it a rest, a desire for quiet and/or reflection, silence...but please don't call it laziness. (i can have a rather fragile self-esteem. :) )
honest confession: i think really, it has been a feeling of that what i have to share doesn't feel all that important or blog-worthy. i know...each day has its' purpose and importance and i truly am grateful for each day. i just don't always feel like sharing all that is going on. especially while i am working through and processing things.


i am in the midst of the job-hunting quest. i have taken steps to try new things and think out of the box. i have faced rejection. i have been in some vulnerable places. i have had surprises come out of left field. and i am waiting. and waiting. and sending follow-up calls and e-mails. and waiting. in fact, i am going insane waiting to hear about the most feasible and exciting prospect right now. i didn't want to blog about how i am going crazy waiting...but here we are...


over the summer, i have traveled some with my family. badlands, black hills, and monuments. jagged rocky mountains and serene lakes. those were definitely some of the high points of my summer. i wish traveling and experiencing new places with my family could be a paying job. Hmmm... (oh, and i absolutely have to mention a family reunion that took place in hordeville. yes, that is the town's name. i am working to relocate the next reunion to a slightly larger town.)


there has been music and serving. sleeping in and coffee. card games and laundry. writing and photographing. running through sprinklers and cleaning up drippy popsicles and ice cream. cooking and trying new foods. (that is a wonderful part of summer.) reading books and searching through websites for job listings. zoo visits. birthdays and anniversaries to celebrate. lots of 'normal' things that have filled the summer days full.


and near the end of this summer break, bittersweet times. my grandpa's journey with cancer and old age came to an end. he passed on my husband's fortieth birthday. i am sad for the loss and what that means to my family, but i am grateful that he is not suffering. i am sure that he is enjoying a cup of coffee in heaven served just the way he always liked it--cream and sugar with some coffee stirred in.
the rest of summer will include visiting my grandma and encouraging her however we can. we will drive there tomorrow and hopefully bring smiles to her face and heart. and then there is the final approach to school. my boys are growing up before my eyes...and they both start on new journeys--one in middle school (pray for him) and one in kindergarten (pray for him too).


so, i have been a blogging slacker, but i have been living life one day at a time. i have been trying to live boldly, taking new steps, taking nothing for granted, and appreciating all the little things that come together each day. i don't mind being called a slacker when it comes to blogging, but i never want to be called that when it comes to living.

thankful in all things...

i truly appreciate the thanksgiving season and its' reminder that we have so much to be thankful for. (actually, i think that thanksgiving gets short-changed...christmas has been set out since before october and thanksgiving is just squeezed in an aisle between halloween and christmas. grrr.) anyway...

i have been trying to be intentional and think about all that i have to be grateful for each day. big things. little things. even the stuff i don't necessarily like, but can still be grateful for. and then this week has happened.

i learned about divorce in extended family that we didn't have a clue that was coming, praying for a friend's health and tests that give more concern than answers, some tension in some relationships that you feel like you need to be switzerland to, but you feel more on one side than the other...and then i had read a book about some of the social injustices in the world and the news and...

and then the reminder to stop. breathe. remember that God is God of this world and works in all things, has a plan that is above all things, and never EVER leaves our side (even when we think the difficulties are more than we can bear.) He is King and i am grateful, thankful, appreciative that He is over it all.

it will be okay

i've always been a 'people pleaser'--that is, i don't like it when people are upset with me.  growing up, i didn't need to be grounded.  i just had to hear this phrase come from my parents' mouths:  'kristin, we're so disappointed in you.'  don't know why i'm wired that way, but i am.

working on some things at work knowing full well that someone would be disappointed.  i really didn't want to approach this task as defeated, but i knew that no matter what, someone would not be pleased with the end result.  i guess all i can do is walk away knowing that i've tried, but something had to give and not everyone will be happy.  tough thing, especially with my people pleasing tendencies.

it will be okay.  it will be okay.  it will be okay.  it will be okay.  it will be okay.  it will be okay.  it will be okay.

naptime?

had a fun night watching my boys and my dog and my brother's dog run and run and run and run.  i was ready for a nap at the end!  looking forward to more summer evenings like that...