a paradox being soothed

in the bible study that we are journeying through with our moms group at church, we are looking at the life of jonah. we are looking at how to respond to what we consider life's 'interruptions' and are choosing to see them as God's interventions in our lives. i am thoroughly appreciating what we are learning and am praying that God is doing a mighty work in my fragile heart.

this week's homework was looking at God's presence...at how it can be a soothing balm to those who are hurting, to those who seek Him, and how it can be a scorching fire to those who are running from Him. my mind is trying to wrap itself around this paradox...

oh, how we long for God in our lives. (though we do not always say it as such.) we want His peace and His love. we long to know Him and to know how He knows and loves us. God created us with this desire deep in our hearts and minds to long for Him and to know Him intimately.

on the flip side, when we know that we have sinned...made poor choices...want to do things our way...we run from Him. we run from any reminder of Him. His presence, His unconditional love can feel like a scorching fire because it is a reminder of our disobedience.

i think of my relationship with God and the places we have been. i have wanted to hear His voice and wanted silence because i fear of what He might ask of me. i want to trust Him and take steps in absolute faith, yet barely step my toe out because i fear where the step might lead. i trust Him and yet question some of the things that He has had me journey through.

i know that the paradox is not God. it is me. He is constant and faithful and loving and omnipresent and holy and good. i waver and fear and am affected by so many things. i am the paradox, not He...

this study is such a wonderful reminder to me of how God uses imperfect people. the bible is full of the testimonies of God using people that made poor choices, people that had terrible things happen to them, people that had a change of heart and changed how they lived and Who they lived for. oh, how i needed this reminder. God loves and uses imperfect people.

i have been anxious for the next step God is leading me towards. i do not know where it may lead. i am trusting Him and am calling on His presence to soothe me.

(oh...the study we are doing: Jonah: Navigating a Life Interrupted by Priscilla Shirer)