a paradox being soothed

in the bible study that we are journeying through with our moms group at church, we are looking at the life of jonah. we are looking at how to respond to what we consider life's 'interruptions' and are choosing to see them as God's interventions in our lives. i am thoroughly appreciating what we are learning and am praying that God is doing a mighty work in my fragile heart.

this week's homework was looking at God's presence...at how it can be a soothing balm to those who are hurting, to those who seek Him, and how it can be a scorching fire to those who are running from Him. my mind is trying to wrap itself around this paradox...

oh, how we long for God in our lives. (though we do not always say it as such.) we want His peace and His love. we long to know Him and to know how He knows and loves us. God created us with this desire deep in our hearts and minds to long for Him and to know Him intimately.

on the flip side, when we know that we have sinned...made poor choices...want to do things our way...we run from Him. we run from any reminder of Him. His presence, His unconditional love can feel like a scorching fire because it is a reminder of our disobedience.

i think of my relationship with God and the places we have been. i have wanted to hear His voice and wanted silence because i fear of what He might ask of me. i want to trust Him and take steps in absolute faith, yet barely step my toe out because i fear where the step might lead. i trust Him and yet question some of the things that He has had me journey through.

i know that the paradox is not God. it is me. He is constant and faithful and loving and omnipresent and holy and good. i waver and fear and am affected by so many things. i am the paradox, not He...

this study is such a wonderful reminder to me of how God uses imperfect people. the bible is full of the testimonies of God using people that made poor choices, people that had terrible things happen to them, people that had a change of heart and changed how they lived and Who they lived for. oh, how i needed this reminder. God loves and uses imperfect people.

i have been anxious for the next step God is leading me towards. i do not know where it may lead. i am trusting Him and am calling on His presence to soothe me.

(oh...the study we are doing: Jonah: Navigating a Life Interrupted by Priscilla Shirer)

a december rambling

one--i know i have been a bad blogger. i am sorry. really.

two--it is the Christmas season and for the first time in years, my shopping is not completed before Thanksgiving. i do not enjoy shopping in the craziness. i LOVE finding thoughtful gifts for others. i do not enjoy desperation present-hunting. good news is that i only have a few gifts left to purchase and i know what i need to buy, so i am not too worried about it all.

three--after much waiting and praying (and honestly, worrying), i had a first day at my new job yesterday! it was good, overwhelming, confusing, tiring yet energizing, and an adventure. i appreciated the opportunity to serve in this role and am hoping that the substitute status changes to a regular status soon. i have much to learn, but feel that this just might be where i am supposed to be right now...

four--i love my kids. despite the tweener hormones that we are learning to live with here and the fact that my kindergartner prefers his room to be in the 'dump' status, i just have to say that they are the best. truly. they have been teaching me much lately. i hope i am teaching them a thing or two as well.

five--middle school can be ugly. (thank goodness one does not have to repeat it. hopefully.) while working yesterday, i saw all that my eldest son deals with during his school day. it was a reminder to me to make sure that our home is his refuge. it also was a reminder to me of how much i have to be thankful for... it also reminded me to sanitize my hands and to be aware of what my son watches and listens to.

six--okay, this is just plain petty, but i am thrilled that our town recently opened a trader joe's. i get excited about little things.

seven--on my side of the family, our Christmas gift this year is that my extended family will be taking a disneyworld trip together next summer. we started planning. aligning four families' schedules and preferences requires divine intervention. how do i know that God is at work in this? dates, plane tickets, and rooms were all agreed upon and booked this week. i am so excited for the memories of all of us doing this together. i love that my boys get to have grandparent and aunt & uncle memories like this. i feel very blessed.

eight--oh, how i strongly dislike commercialized Christmas.  in contrast, i love all that the first true night of Christmas entailed: a quiet, unexpected point in time where God gifted us with a most wonderful gift--the gift of His Son. a time where God used the ordinary to do something extraordinary... i love that God modeled love through sacrifice, not because it cost Him so much and i receive so much more than i deserve, but because it shows me how to love in the deepest way. Christmas truly is not about giving a bevy of luxurious (and unneccesary) gifts, but about giving from the heart...sacrificially, thoughtfully, completely. the first Christmas was God modeling His love for us in a very tangible way. that, i like.

nine--whoever is reading this, i hope that you have a truly blessed Christmas season and that you have a moment to reflect not on Santa, but on the CHRIST part of Christmas. if you are in a rush, you will not be able to truly understand what this season is to remind us of. God speaks in the most quiet of moments. i pray that you have quiet moments to hear God speak to you this Christmas. blessings to you.

until next time...

here we go...

sometimes, i am a planner. sometimes, i love to just let things 'happen' and roll with whatever comes down the pike. i like both. i like the fusion of the two--some expected things and some opportunity to improvise in the moment. i am unsure if that is 'normal' or not. but i digress...

when it came to our children, we did not 'plan' them or try to have them come during a certain time of the year or have them a certain time frame apart. they came just when God wanted them to come. i am trusting God's timing, but i do admit that sometimes, i wish our timing was a bit different...

our youngest son's birthday falls a week before thanksgiving. our oldest is right at the new year. and in between is thanksgiving, our niece's birthday, christmas, new year's, and there are extended family and friends' birthdays and anniversaries sprinkled throughout that time frame as well.

i love the celebrating and time with family and friends. i love planning surprises and i LOVE giving gifts. what i struggle with is that it all hits in the same five weeks. no spreading it out evenly throughout the remaining weeks of the year. honestly, sometimes it feels as though it is a season of gift gluttony without the opportunity to truly be grateful for and enjoy it all.

i pray that my kids know how special they are and how loved they are as their birthday celebrations are surrounded by so much chaos. i pray that they know how blessed they are as they are showered not only with gifts, but by the love shown by their family and friends as they travel to come celebrate and spend time together. i pray that they appreciate the thoughtfulness shown their way by others and that they reciprocate and multiply that their whole life long. in essence, i do not want them to get lost in the frenzy of errands, obligitory gift giving, and 'necessary' traditions. i want them to celebrate and be grateful for who God made them to be. i want them to be aware and active in recognizing and celebrating what God is doing in others. i want them to be intentional about slowing down and appreciating the moment, rather than being overwhelmed by everything that is swirling around them.

if i could plan anything, i would plan for my kids to live life the way Jesus wants them to live. i will have to see what comes down the pike...

a blonde moment

yes, literally.

while i sit here with my laptop and my cup of coffee, my hair is bathing in a solution that is returning it to its, ahem, natural color. while my husband disputes my 'natural' haircolor, i would like to state here that i have always been blonde... until i colored my hair the day after i graduated from high school. (that was when it accidentally ended up a drab shade of olive. as in green. i LOVE green...just not in my hair. after my mother was rightfully furious with me and we visited a salon that could do wonders, my hair became the 'anne of green gables' auburn i was striving for.) that color gradually faded and i entered college being the blonde that i had always been. years of coloring later, i was working through a difficult time and thought that i should radically change my haircolor as a way to build my esteem or express my frustration or something. DARK auburn with highlights. i felt evil. seriously. lesson learned from that experience: stick with your natural color. you feel much better.

and here we are on this november morning. so, today is golden blonde. we are approaching the winter and i am not going for the super sunny look. i have been champagne blonde, ultra light blonde, ultra light sun blonde, honey blonde, light golden blonde, frosted blonde...i have even done that bleach packet straight up. golden should be good today. that even sounds good. and least i will be encouraged when i look at the mirror and there are not pesky darker roots taunting me. (and those few emerging greys. grrrrrr.)

am i covering up who i am now as i alter my haircolor with chemicals that are probably toxic? i guess i don't look at it that way. i look at it more as maybe holding on to a piece of my past that is a physical part of my identity...even though i generally disdain the typical blonde stereotypes. as i have worked through a few different hair shades, i will refer to that oh-so-typical line... i have had more fun as a blonde.

so honey, argue all you want, this is my natural color. :)

(yikes! look at the clock! need to rinse the toxic sludge off before it turns an entirely unexpected color!)

randomness

i am feeling rather random today. it is one of those i-need-to-try-and-get-a-variety-of-loose-ends-tied-up-and-some-other-things-started kind of day. so...i shall bore you with my list here, hoping that it helps me to remember and prioritize and motivate.

i have already updated and balanced the checkbook. something i should have done near the end of last week, but i can now say that i have that task completed (until it needs to be done again). i paid some bills and the dog was thrilled that he got to go along for the ride. i cheated birthday baking at the end of the week by ordering cupcakes from our grocery store. they can decorate in ways that i am incapable of, and most importantly, they can create what my birthday boy was asking for. thank goodness! i was getting nervous that i would have to find a way to recreate things in frosting. eek. i got caught up on this week's bible study homework that we will be discussing tomorrow. i guess the silver lining is that it will all be fresh in my mind since i procrastinated the majority of it to today... i took a few quiet moments with my cup of coffee and sent off some quick facebook notes to friends i wanted to encourage. (i probably should have taken the time to write notes, but quick facebook jottings are better than nothing, right?) i got the clean dishes put away and the dirty ones into the dishwasher. i cleaned the toothpaste left in the sink this morning. twice. (two boys who brushed their teeth at different times...)

as you can read right now, i am in process of blogging. i really want to get better at writing more regularly. blog. journal. notes to friends. letters to our compassion kids. whatever. i feel convicted to do it more. i feel better afterwards and there is a little less swirling around in my head. so, writing (via blog format today): check.

i need to exercise in some form. thinking it will be taking the dog for a lovely autumn stroll. wait...let me rephrase. thinking it will be trying to keep up with the dog as he is overly anxious to get going as fast as he can, as far as he can, for as long as he can on this lovely autumn day. need to mentally and physically prepare for that one.

i need to find someone to talk to about the next step in the job pursuit.

*update*
last week i did interview for a position that i applied for back at the start of august, had a physical for the position, got the okay for the position, got the ID tag for the position. good news! right?
well...the position begins in an on-call type fashion, but because i have not worked in this exact role before, i am not qualified for all the on-call positions i am receiving notices for.
so...i have a job that i am not able to work at yet. confused yet? i am!
today's goal: i need to find someone to talk to about the next step in the job pursuit. i have been trying to schedule an appointment with a person that i think can help, but she has been out of the office and out of town...and i am not even sure if she is the person i am supposed to talk to. goal is to eliminate at least a hint of the confusion today. good luck!

my youngest is turning six at the end of this week. exciting! i have been feeling terribly guilty because the weekend is overflowing with things that will compete with a birthday celebration. today is trying to reschedule and reorganize so there is some time to focus on a wonderful, thoughtful, creative, high-energy, brand new six year old. (and i need to get presents wrapped. at least the shopping is done!) with the birthday comes company, which means wow. i need to clean my house! i will probably not dig in too deep today into the cleaning because too much can happen in the course of a week. but...it is on the radar. dust bunnies should be on high alert.

and i should start thinking about what i am going to cook for supper. i am notorious at creating things right at five o'clock. thinking i should try to be a bit more intentional...although some of my favorites have come from my five o'clock planning. thinking tonight will involve pasta in some form.

and my youngest and i began writing a book this summer together. about peanut butter. over the weekend, we both were thinking about it and decided that we need to finish it. so...i hope to find a smidge of time today to pull up the document, rework some wording, and ponder how we shall illustrate. shall he draw the artwork? (there is NO way that i am doing that...his drawings are far better than mine! i can conceive some ideas, but have no skills for following through.) shall we take pictures and he can be our 'star'? do we leave the artwork and just go for something abstract? hmmmmmm. we have work to do!

i do have my daily taxi routine to fulfill as well. double-school pick-ups. thankful that it is gorgeous weather today after last friday's rain and slush-fest.

okay. i know there is plenty to fit into today... now, to go tackle something.

after lunch.

removing the distractions...

tuesday mornings are spent with the sweetest group of moms that i have ever met. our church has a bible study focused on encouraging moms in their walk with Jesus. we are doing a study on how to be beautiful offerings to God. it has been good...humbling, encouraging, good.

as we were spending some time discussing the study this morning, i had one of those moments where God lets you open your eyes for a moment and you simply go "a-ha". we were talking about the things that we have counted on in ourselves--our roles as wife and mom to be the core of our identity, letting our goals define us, having our job define our value, depending on our skills to give us worth... and then tears flowed as we talked about when those things have been taken away in our lives. when those things that we were depending on disappear, then what?

here was my "a-ha"...

oh, how quickly i depend on things other than God. i find value in my view that i am a pretty decent wife and mom. i have things that i consider noble that i want to do with my life and i think that those things give me some kind of worth. i want to use my skills and be recognized and valued for my contribution to my church and community. what happens when God takes all that away?



wait for it...



i depend on Him.
(i know this probably is a "duh" thing...but it felt very new to me this morning.)

does God tenderly (and sometimes dramatically) take things away from us or put us in circumstances that we cannot depend on ourselves simply so we can depend on Him?

why would He do that?
i think of how i would do anything for my boys. i would sacrifice anything to help them grow up into the men they are to be. i want to give them gifts lavishly just because i love them, but i do not want to spoil them to the point that they do not understand the point of the gifts. i want them to be strong enough to handle difficulties that life will throw at them, so instead of rushing in to shield them from all consequence, i do let them deal with the blows that life throws them--whether those blows were due to consequence from their choices or if it is just the difficulties that seem to come with life... i am there to hug and dry tears and remind them that they are loved no matter what. in all situations. in all circumstances. i simply love them like crazy.

is that what God is trying to tell each one of us? is He simply helping us to depend on Him?sometimes, the only way He can tell us is by taking the distractions that we have created out of the picture.

He loves us like crazy...and wants us to trust Him and Him alone.

+/-

up and down. positive and i guess, negative.

been a good day is some regards, difficult in others.

accomplished a long awaited goal.

unexpected e-mail that is both a positive thing and a difficult one all at the same time.

wonderful reminders of why parenting can be such a joy...

and reminders of what a difficult job it can be.

i am feeling a bit torn in two.

i want to smile and laugh one of those deep belly laughs that you like to only do in private because of how loud and obnoxious it is.

i want to let some tears out that are born from things in the not-so-distant past.

i really am feeling both extremes at the same time.

and that is...confusing...

neutral?

...

taking a few steps together

we all have a story. we all are on a journey. i know...this is not a revolutionary thought...but it is.

spent some time with an acquaintance that is becoming to be a dear friend. as we were walking and chatting, i began to learn some things about her that i would have never guessed during our previous talks. the conversation was very onion-like as we continued...with each little thing shared and a little more trust established, more personal things came out...one layer at a time.

i think God knew i needed a conversation like this today...the opportunity to see that we all have struggles, luggage from the past...but that we all are on a journey where He is restoring us, teaching us, shaping us, challenging us, growing us...and He has us on the journey together. we can help each other up when we fall down, we can encourage one another if we are slowing down or lagging behind, we can celebrate victories together...

i walked a few steps with a friend today. i am grateful for what God has done and continues to do in her life. i am grateful that those few steps encouraged me in my walk today...

intentionality

this weekend, some of the world chose to recognize the Easter holiday. some do it with family gatherings and ham dinners. some call upon a mysterious bunny that leaves little plastic eggs filled with sweets. some deck their homes out with bunny decorations and pastel flowers. some get all dolled up in a new dress or hat or outfit and maybe even visit a church. some do all of the above. and then there are some who, while possibly gathering with family and eating ham and desserting on chocolate, are reminded of something that cannot be seen, but is felt at the core of their being and has dramatically altered their life. they remember that about two thousand years ago, a very unique God-man came to this world and just a few short years later, became the ultimate sacrifice for all of mankind's sins.

on good friday evening as my family watched 'the passion of the christ' together, i could not help but remind myself that i should be reflecting on Jesus this much every day...a holiday weekend is a nice way to intentionally focus, but really, i should be this intentional every day. yes...EVERY day. how quickly i take what Jesus did for me (and for all mankind past, present, and future) for granted. it is just a part of my day-to-day living knowing that i am loved and forgiven and have a future that spans for all of eternity. watching that film was a reminder of how costly my Jesus paid for me. He ached emotionally, physically, spiritually. He took humiliation and unjustice knowing that as He did, He was taking care of things for ALL time for all of humanity. despite the very human feelings of fear and rejection, He was willing to take the cup of God's wrath because He loves us SO much. Jesus was so intentional with the choices He made. Easter weekend is a reminder of that. i need to follow His example...i need to intentionally choose to follow Him every step of every day.

i am praying that i live this way more each day...intentionally choosing Jesus with each step. it may be costly, as our Example has modeled, but it is the only way to truly live.

mixed metaphors

ever wonder what God is going to do with something? ever wonder why He allows certain things to take place or come together? ever wonder why He puts all these seemingly random things together in your life?

i am in that place. i have been wallowing in it for a little over a year now. i do not understand why some things have happened in my life (but know that He plans to make good out of all things). i look back over years and see all these things that do not necessarily 'go together' and wonder what recipe is He mixing together for my life.

there is music and retail and God and church and biblical studies and psychological studies and broken relationships and new relationships and restored relationships and hardships and blessings and family and love for children that i have never met and creative outlets and a struggle with identity and travels and experiences and feelings and opportunities and fears and passions and curiosity...and more...

how do the pieces fit together? (or do they?) where does all this lead next? how does this complex tapestry of who i was and who i am and who i am yet to be look like? feel like? going to accomplish?

i could worry, fret, fear, speculate, freak out.

i am not going to do that.

i am going to take each day, give it to God, and see what He is going to create.

He made me.

He knows me.

He has a plan for me.

He truly desires what is best for me.

He has not forgotten or forsaken me.

He blesses abundantly.

He loves extravagantly.

He extends grace and mercy.

He is patient beyond understanding.

i am anxiously awaiting to see how the recipe turns out, how the jigsaw pieces fit together, to see what the tapestry looks like in its completed state.

a monday of small disappointments

i generally like the idea of getting into a new week. mondays really are not that bad...but today has been a day of small disappointments. nothing devastatingly life-changing or catastrophic, but enough to dampen one's mood.

i have one, yes, ONE, class left to finish my degree. it is a general education class...nothing "tough" or hardcore and it has been a massive pain to find something that works. i have submitted a list of about ten classes to my academic advisor to see if any will work. (this is after the other list of five...) i just want to finish and it is still a waiting game. i am praying that the advisor gets back with me very soon because if i cannot get into a class this quarter, it bumps graduation date back.

in january, the main stone on my wedding ring decided to dislodge itself and run away. thankfully, insurance (minus deductible) will cover the cost, but i am on my fifth, yes, FIFTH, series of calls to iron it all out. jewelers and insurance agents, oh my. just ready to wrap this up and 'be married' again. (it feels very naked without a wedding ring on after almost fourteen years of wearing it!)

vacation is a terribly important thing for our family. not because we are so stressed that we need to "escape", but because we realize that our boys are growing so quickly and our time with them is limited. vacation is some serious memory-building time. we found out today that the vacation we were planning...the cabin may not be available at all this summer. this place has become a 'home away from home' for us and we are praying that somehow, there is a week available for us. we have already been dreaming and planned out the hikes we wanted to accomplish--including a summit this year! oh, please, please work!!!

i went to donate blood today and could not due to low iron levels. grrrrrr. i want to help and cannot until my levels are up. (i know that it sounds crazy to be disappointed to not be able to give blood, but i really wanted to help someone and i am not sure when i will have a child-free window of time to do this for awhile...)

so...nothing that gives this monday an it's-the-end-of-the-world feeling, but enough to make it really feel like a monday.

thank goodness tomorrow is tuesday.

step...step...step

i have been in a 'mountain reading' mood lately. blogs, forums, books... i have been missing the mountains and have the desire to do some serious, long, contemplative hiking. since the closest thing i have to mountains here at home is the hill we take the boys sledding on, reading will have to do.

i think the idea of 'journey' is something that i really relate to right now in life. we may not always know what the end will exactly be or even what the final destination is, but part of the enjoyment and meaning and fulfillment is the road getting there. i feel like i am in that middle part, not knowing exactly where i am heading, but know that there is something worth climbing to. i keep taking a step followed by another one. there are things to enjoy along the way...but i have to admit that i am feeling weary without knowing exactly where this path is going.

i was so grateful for today's devotional in Jesus Calling. it was a reminder of God wanting each step--that i am not to worry about tomorrow, i am simply to trust Him today.

step...step...step...

attitude, persuasion, conformity

those are the primary subjects i have tackled so far in this week's class reading homework.

a few weeks into this social psychology class, and i honestly am overwhelmed at the human capacity to be so influenced, even on subconcious levels. we are easily persuaded, influenced...worried about fitting into ingroups and outgroups...fall into falling for prejudices that we do not even know are there...

it has been a powerful reminder to me about how God made us...He made us each uniquely in His image, yet sin has marred His creation. instead of resting in who He made each one of us to be, we are concerned with what others think of us--sometimes even putting others down just to feel better about ourselves, of struggling with self-esteem since we do not fully understand, nor rest in, what He created us to be...

for just a moment, i am going to rest in the fact that all God wants me to be is the unique creation He made to fulfill specific purposes.

(what do you think of that? is that okay?)

brilliant thought...gone

as i was sitting in study this morning, i had a brilliant thought. it was an a-ha moment and i was inspired. during our coffee break, i thought of an entire post that i wanted to type. i was sure that i would remember it all when i would have time to sit down at the computer this afternoon.

and now...clueless. cannot remember a fragment of what it was about. i remember who i chatted with this morning. i remember the talk that the speaker gave. but not a clue of what my thought was.

lesson learned--reach in my bag, pull out a piece of paper and jot down a few words so i will not forget!!!

silly tears

i am feeling a little silly. i just spent about fifteen minutes just looking at a website of a place i would love to live near. i have scoured their website and looked for possible jobs (of which i am definitely not qualified for, but oh, it would ROCK!) and searched all of their visitor tips.

but here is where i felt silly...i was looking at their photo gallery and teared up. okay...i cried. an honest-to-goodness cry. it is just so beautiful and the idea of even looking at that every day, not just maybe once every few years...that overwhelms me...in a good way. it is a dream and what i wouldn't give to make it a reality.

is this the beginning of taking a step of lifechange? the desire to be someplace different and breath-takingly beautiful? to want to go someplace that would be a risk to my 'normal'? the thought of this place is daily (and often more than once a day). i wonder why this draw is so strong...

hmmmmm...

do i want to...

read? write? take pictures? craft? think? watch? play? build? dream? walk? talk? eat? drink? snuggle? search? clean? (ummm...not in the mood for cleaning.)

feeling indecisive but wanting to do something big.

we will see where today goes.

atrophy

poor nourishment. lack of exercise. process of breaking down.

while in the process, one does not necessarily feel all that is taking place. trials and difficulties come, but one would still feel 'okay.' there are easy reasons to explain the weariness, the lack of purpose, the blurry focus. the breakdown is slow, gradual.

and then...

you experience it--life in its fullest. you see and feel and taste and touch and know all that you have been missing out on. and you simply want more. but you realize that it will take so much more work because you are atrophied. you need to rebuild strength and muscle and focus and drive.

step by step. one determined step after another. and eventually, taking a step isn't so hard--it becomes natural again. then, taking steps won't be enough. it will move from atrophied baby steps to hesitant shuffles, to a confident step, to full strides, to running...running freely and laughing. running freely and living life to the fullest because One breathed the very idea into us.

wisdom?

in reflecting on the past months and years, i have been thinking of things that i wish i would have done differently, things that i would have done exactly the same, things i would have done--but would have gone about them in a different manner than i did previously.

is that part of how wisdom is gained?--of learning from previous experiences? i do not know if that is how wisdom comes about or not, but i do know that it will be a life-long and continual process.

good friday

good friday is always a day where i am not sure if i should feel ecstatic because of the spiritual significance or in mourning because of the deep cost that Jesus endured on my behalf.  it is a day where i come before God in humility because i realize just a taste of what He was willing to do to have a relationship with me.  i cry because i realize how unworthy i am and how selfless and complete His love is.  i feel so small and insignificant and so loved and adored in the same breath.  

i do not want to go about just as if it is any other day, because the day represents something so profound, life-changing, eternity-changing... i am looking forward to our church service this evening--just to worship a God that loves so completely, so lavishly.  all i can do is bow down and offer all of me back to Him in return.

fresh start

i love spring.  it is a reminder of fresh starts, new beginnings... colors pop from the dullness of winter...new green on weathered branches.  gusty breezes blowing away that stale feeling of being inside too long.  i go outside and cannot help but breathe too deeply.

i love easter week.  (not because of excesses of chocolate available, although that is a perk!)

it is a reminder of the ultimate fresh start--the spiritual one we can have in this life.  it is a reminder of a heavy price Jesus paid for all of humanity for all time and it is a reminder of extravagant love.  the cross is stained with His crimson blood so that we might be made gleaming white. i love that this week gives intentional opportunity to reflect and meditate on Jesus and what He accomplished in this life that changes all of eternity.

i love fresh starts.  i love to breathe it in deeply.