serenaded

my fifth grader willingly came to me (fully on his own accord) and asked if he could play a song for me on his violin. i love it!

thankful in all things...

i truly appreciate the thanksgiving season and its' reminder that we have so much to be thankful for. (actually, i think that thanksgiving gets short-changed...christmas has been set out since before october and thanksgiving is just squeezed in an aisle between halloween and christmas. grrr.) anyway...

i have been trying to be intentional and think about all that i have to be grateful for each day. big things. little things. even the stuff i don't necessarily like, but can still be grateful for. and then this week has happened.

i learned about divorce in extended family that we didn't have a clue that was coming, praying for a friend's health and tests that give more concern than answers, some tension in some relationships that you feel like you need to be switzerland to, but you feel more on one side than the other...and then i had read a book about some of the social injustices in the world and the news and...

and then the reminder to stop. breathe. remember that God is God of this world and works in all things, has a plan that is above all things, and never EVER leaves our side (even when we think the difficulties are more than we can bear.) He is King and i am grateful, thankful, appreciative that He is over it all.

brilliant thought...gone

as i was sitting in study this morning, i had a brilliant thought. it was an a-ha moment and i was inspired. during our coffee break, i thought of an entire post that i wanted to type. i was sure that i would remember it all when i would have time to sit down at the computer this afternoon.

and now...clueless. cannot remember a fragment of what it was about. i remember who i chatted with this morning. i remember the talk that the speaker gave. but not a clue of what my thought was.

lesson learned--reach in my bag, pull out a piece of paper and jot down a few words so i will not forget!!!

silly tears

i am feeling a little silly. i just spent about fifteen minutes just looking at a website of a place i would love to live near. i have scoured their website and looked for possible jobs (of which i am definitely not qualified for, but oh, it would ROCK!) and searched all of their visitor tips.

but here is where i felt silly...i was looking at their photo gallery and teared up. okay...i cried. an honest-to-goodness cry. it is just so beautiful and the idea of even looking at that every day, not just maybe once every few years...that overwhelms me...in a good way. it is a dream and what i wouldn't give to make it a reality.

is this the beginning of taking a step of lifechange? the desire to be someplace different and breath-takingly beautiful? to want to go someplace that would be a risk to my 'normal'? the thought of this place is daily (and often more than once a day). i wonder why this draw is so strong...

hmmmmm...

do i want to...

read? write? take pictures? craft? think? watch? play? build? dream? walk? talk? eat? drink? snuggle? search? clean? (ummm...not in the mood for cleaning.)

feeling indecisive but wanting to do something big.

we will see where today goes.

You are for me

be still

we are going on week number two of having sickness in some form residing at our home. first it was me with the sinus crud...finally in the end stages. next was my littlest with one of the nastiest coughs i think i have heard. it has a firm grip on him and we just cannot seem to shake it. my eldest is in an on-again-off-again state of illness...so we are just praying that it wraps itself up quickly and is over with.

i don't think any of us enjoys illness. the extra time at home is nice. the wearing of pajamas all day is a nice break. but the actual illness...not so much fun. colin (my littlest) thinks that being sick means that you get to hang at home in your jammies, watch extra tv and play video games. oh, how he has gotten to learn this week that that is not so. he has fought me intensely each day that he does not need rest. he does NOT need rest. and yet, each day as i make him purposefully be still for just five minutes...he falls asleep and naps for a few hours.

looking at him right now, peacefully sleeping on the couch...makes me appreciate these still moments. i love his energy, but i love how peaceful he can be too. i am truly hoping that these still moments help his body heal and that we are running around like crazy again soon...

He saves me

psalm 116:1-6 (msg)

I love God because He listened to me,

listened as I begged for mercy.

He listened so intently

as I laid out my case before him.

Death stared me in the face,

hell was hard on my heels.

Up against it, I didn't know which way to turn;

then I called out to God for help:

"Please, God!" I cried out. "Save my life!"

God is gracious—it is He who makes things right,

our most compassionate God.

God takes the side of the helpless;

when I was at the end of my rope, He saved me.

unlike the psalmist, i am not in a life-threatening situation, but i have been/am in a difficult season. i have been trying every day to talk to Him about it all, but i will not lie, there are days that i have been weary of talking...and hearing and feeling nothing but silence. i know that He is there. i know that He listens and loves and cares. but silence is hard. waiting is hard. being unsure of my direction is hard. not knowing what is going to happen next is hard.

then i read this and am encouraged...He is listening. He will make things right. He is compassionate. He will help me. He has saved me in the grandest of ways and will save me each day. all i simply need to do is to cry out to Him. look to Him. depend on Him. the littlest thing in my life does matter to Him--He listens so intently. and He will answer...

atrophy

poor nourishment. lack of exercise. process of breaking down.

while in the process, one does not necessarily feel all that is taking place. trials and difficulties come, but one would still feel 'okay.' there are easy reasons to explain the weariness, the lack of purpose, the blurry focus. the breakdown is slow, gradual.

and then...

you experience it--life in its fullest. you see and feel and taste and touch and know all that you have been missing out on. and you simply want more. but you realize that it will take so much more work because you are atrophied. you need to rebuild strength and muscle and focus and drive.

step by step. one determined step after another. and eventually, taking a step isn't so hard--it becomes natural again. then, taking steps won't be enough. it will move from atrophied baby steps to hesitant shuffles, to a confident step, to full strides, to running...running freely and laughing. running freely and living life to the fullest because One breathed the very idea into us.

afternoon joy

took my dog for a walk this afternoon around the lake in a local park. he was borderline giddy. (if dogs can be such a thing.) sniffing down a billion different scents, chasing grasshoppers (not enjoying it when he caught one in his mouth), sitting at the shore and taking in it all... i think i enjoyed it about as much as he did.

the power of the commerical

i like yogurt. my kids do not...well...they will eat it when forced upon them under threat of not getting television time or video game time.

then enter: the commerical.

zach and cody are super pumped about their danimals crush cups. my boys can recite the commercial verbatim. i have heard about how good they are, how fun they are, how good they are for you. my youngest has begged me for them each trip to the grocery store. they have told me how much they like yogurt--only danimals yogurt. they have resorted to accusing me of not being a good mom because i have not purchased 'fun' food like that.

then came: the coupon.

there was cheering from the grocery cart today. the day was finally here--coupon in hand--we could FINALLY get the danimals crush cups. colin talked cheerfully all through the store about how he did not want his crush cup for a snack, he was saving it to be a part of his lunch. he was going to eat it all and it was going to be so much fun.

then: lunch.

who needs his favorite peanut butter sandwich when there is the almighty crush cup? i watched as he ate...no, DEVOURED...the few ounces of strawberry banana yogurt. he has NEVER eaten yogurt like that before. he slurped. he licked every corner of that little red container. he smiled all throughout. i smiled inside thinking: why didn't i think of this sooner? let them eat yogurt without a spoon. not in a bowl but in a little plastic cup that they can smash and squish. and the best part...let them slurp.

how can i convince advertisers to make vegetables that fun?

wisdom?

in reflecting on the past months and years, i have been thinking of things that i wish i would have done differently, things that i would have done exactly the same, things i would have done--but would have gone about them in a different manner than i did previously.

is that part of how wisdom is gained?--of learning from previous experiences? i do not know if that is how wisdom comes about or not, but i do know that it will be a life-long and continual process.

lemonade

i have decided to make lemonade today.

i have time to play with my son today without any hurry. i have time to exercise without feeling like it is an obligation crammed in at the end of the day. i am meeting with a friend later today to study the bible and talk and pray. i have had time to call family that i so needed to talk to. the weather is pretty much perfect, so there will be time to just go in the backyard and be. i will make the most of these opportunities and will continue to do so.

using the lemons for something sweeter...

aching

i have been aching with a terrible hurt.  chest burning, head clouded, tears streaming.

i have questions that may have no answers.  i have heard things that were good for me to hear, things that hurt me to the core, things that brought me to tears because the time is difficult and yet there is the reminder of how wonderful dear friends are, things that remind me of Where i am to look and put my trust in.  it still aches.

i have been up and down and up and down and up and down and up.  there are no answers at this exact moment other than to look Up, love wholly, and put one foot in front of the other and trust the One who is leading the journey.  i am broken, yet i know that my brokenness reveals Him at work, showing Himself in His glory, showing His unconditional love, showing His grace and mercy, His strength.

if aching brings me to Him, i will ache always.

good friday

good friday is always a day where i am not sure if i should feel ecstatic because of the spiritual significance or in mourning because of the deep cost that Jesus endured on my behalf.  it is a day where i come before God in humility because i realize just a taste of what He was willing to do to have a relationship with me.  i cry because i realize how unworthy i am and how selfless and complete His love is.  i feel so small and insignificant and so loved and adored in the same breath.  

i do not want to go about just as if it is any other day, because the day represents something so profound, life-changing, eternity-changing... i am looking forward to our church service this evening--just to worship a God that loves so completely, so lavishly.  all i can do is bow down and offer all of me back to Him in return.

fresh start

i love spring.  it is a reminder of fresh starts, new beginnings... colors pop from the dullness of winter...new green on weathered branches.  gusty breezes blowing away that stale feeling of being inside too long.  i go outside and cannot help but breathe too deeply.

i love easter week.  (not because of excesses of chocolate available, although that is a perk!)

it is a reminder of the ultimate fresh start--the spiritual one we can have in this life.  it is a reminder of a heavy price Jesus paid for all of humanity for all time and it is a reminder of extravagant love.  the cross is stained with His crimson blood so that we might be made gleaming white. i love that this week gives intentional opportunity to reflect and meditate on Jesus and what He accomplished in this life that changes all of eternity.

i love fresh starts.  i love to breathe it in deeply.

long time, no blog

it has been awhile.  not sure why.  life has been crazy busy, but i have found moments of solitude sprinkled through it all.  i guess i have been pretty selfish with those moments--wanting to study, to read, to listen, to rest.  and honestly, i was unsure if the things of life recently have been blog-worthy...it has been routine busyness and some of the same old, same old.

so why am i saying anything about it today?  not sure.  life's busy.  i need a quiet moment here and there to help with perspective and give me time to think about motives and motivation, values and choices, desires and direction and most importantly, to have a quiet moment to listen attentively to what God has to say...

is this post one of deep value or content?  not necessarily... but just something to say that i am here and that life is going on a day at a time.

two things

i was grateful for moments of silence today.  to study, to marvel, to digest thoughts, to process, to dream, to refocus...  i am learning that i have to be so intentional to find quiet.  i am too easily distracted and i desperately need those moments of quiet each day.

i have been studying in the psalms lately.  today were psalms 127 and 128.  to realize that true happiness and blessing come from two simple things was an encouragement to me.  happiness and blessing come from fearing God and following His commands.  it doesn't sound like a great ride--of being scared and following someone else's to-do list.  but if you truly ponder on what fearing God is and what obeying His commands mean, your perspective shifts.

i have done all kinds of things that do not fit into 'fearing God' or 'obeying His commands.'

the primary consequences are emptiness and a mess that only God can clean up.  that emptiness has been consuming in my life at times...there was a gnawing deep inside and truly, only God has been able to satisfy.  i think about the times i have felt the most full and God was always at the center of it.

our selfish moments can satisfy for a moment, but they leave you empty and thirsty afterwards.  we can choose to fill that with another selfish moment and another and another...but the emptiness will only deepen.  OR...we can look at what this Scripture shares and learn the life-lesson from it.  happiness and blessing only come from one place...and it is not us.  happiness and blessing can only come from a God that is to be feared, respected, revered and that can bless in ways that we cannot even begin to fathom.

that is what i want...deep, full happiness and blessing that does not fade because it comes from God.  i only need to do two things.  i only need to see God for who He is and i need to follow the example He has already laid out for us in His Son, Jesus Christ: to love God and to love others.

two things...

story after story after story after story

last night, carter and his dad needed to go to basketball practice, so colin and i got to have a little bit of time together before bed.  as we watched the big guys head out the door, there was a sweet voice by my side...

"mommy...can we just read a bunch of stories under the big green blanket?"

we read.

and read and read.

'i love you the purplest'

'junior's colors'

'the north star'

'i love you because you're you'

'my big brother'

'welcome to birdwell island'

'are you my mother?'

...

it was just a sweet time.  i pointed to the words he could read and he "read" with me too.  then it was off to brush teeth and to be tucked in.  prayers and kisses.  one last drink and more kisses.  lights off and i was out to the living room.  i heard a pitter-patter across his room and back to his bed.  knowing colin, i thought i better check in with him.

"whatcha doing, munchkin?"

(i saw him holding a journal and pen)

"i needed to write."

"really?"

"yeah...i needed to write the words we read together so i don't forget them."

*smiles*

i hope he writes as many stories as we read.

kinda like a country song

have not blogged lately.  not because there are not things to share, but because things have just seemed a little overwhelming and i felt like it would be all 'woe is me' kind of posts.  (okay, i will say right here and now that i know that my little problems are exactly that--LITTLE.  there are far more difficult and terrible things going on in the world and my little list below is pretty trite.)

in the past few weeks--

--my dog was hit by a car

(thank goodness he walked away with only psychological side effects, not a physical injury in the least)

--car speeding by knicked mine and i was not fast enough to get a license plate number

--it was our week at the basketball game to bring drinks and i totally forgot

--library books are overdue

--my youngest was sick, complete with vomiting

--i have been sick (not as bad as my youngest)

--got one bill in the mail two days too late because i kept forgetting to get stamps

--some thing from the past came up and it brings up a whole host of emotions as i process it all again

--some things i would really rather not say on a blog where just anybody can read it all

but, to look on the bright side of things--

--my family has had time together at home, just enjoying each other

--we did not have a car accident, despite another car knicking us

--we have friends that love us and forgive silly moments

--our sicknesses have been short-lived and we are blessed with good health

--we have jobs that help pay the bills (and we have bills to pay because we have a nice home)

--our future is not determined by our past

--God knows each thing we go through and works all things together for His good

compassion's blog

please visit compassion international's blog.  

http://blog.compassion.com/

i stop here EVERY day.

to hear how God is working.  to see how little things are making a difference in a big way.  to hear stories of people climbing out of poverty with hope and dreams. to see pictures of children and their families and know that they have enough for today.  to see a silver lining in some very dark clouds.

it is too easy to forget all of the world that is struggling to make it through the day while we sit in our living rooms and minivans, picking up drive-thru because it was easier for us today...  this blog reminds me of how blessed we are and how God wants us to help others (and that is a small, easy thing to do!).

this blog is a starting point for me...first--to remember others, second--to move beyond remembering others to acting and doing something for others.  i love how God can use little things to motivate us and move us forward.  He is good.

figuring it out

i am sitting in my living room, dog at my side (don't tell my husband that he is on the couch with me...seriously) and just listening.  i have heard the same portion of a phrase of music over twenty times.  i absolutely love it.  i am hearing my son try to get the mind and fingers and instrument to align together on these few notes.  it is not perfect.  heck, it is not even pretty to listen to...but he is trying and learning and that is a beautiful sound.

it reminds me of my school years where i sounded TERRIBLE on the flute, but boy, did i want to figure that thing out.  i wanted to make my fingers work so i would not have to think about them while my body was trying to figure out what it needed to do to have a crystal-pure tone.  i would go in my room and close the door and stay there for hours, working on the same song over and over.  (sorry, mom...you must have been sick of 'windy' and me trying to play the melodies on the radio!)

the feeling of figuring something out...of getting past the technical to the musical...of conquering something you could not do before...that is a part of experiencing life...i love it.  (and he is playing better now that he was just a half-hour ago!)

up, down and all over

it has been a day, a week, a month...

specifically today...there have been lows like a child not feeling well or knowing that a friend is going through an organ transplant in another city today and highs like a quiet moment with God, time with family or some encouragement on a recent endeavor.

i have been happy today, in tears, tired and encouraged.

i think i will sleep very soundly tonight...i have been all over today.

beautiful day

we are in the middle of january and we played outside in the backyard today...

without coats!  soccer and basketball and on the swingset.

just a beautiful, spring-like winter day!

one foot in front of the other

there are times when things seem to come so easy and naturally and others where it feels like everything is simply a struggle.  i have really been struggling with some things lately.  i have done my best to not worry, to take things as they come, one step at a time.

lately, i have heard of so many struggles.  it is hard not to become overwhelmed by it all...by those all around us that are struggling emotionally, physically, financially, spiritually...  i am so grateful for a God that asks us to come and lay it all before Him because He always has a plan for our best in all things.

left...right...left...right...i will just keep putting one foot in front of the other, knowing that God will help sustain and direct and guide.

a little more today

lately, i have been in awe at watching my boys grow up and feeling just a little of the ache of letting them go just a little more each day.  it is good that they are growing up and stretching their wings, preparing for the flight that will inevitably come...  as a mom, i am learning how to hold them a little looser and entrusting them to the One that so lovingly has let me care for them here.

today, carter officially begins his basketball season.  his team has had a few practices and it is time to put what they have been working on into practice.  we approach the season with a little concern--two years ago, they were the 'undefeated losers.' we can laugh now at this. :) last year, some things started to come together--in the last half of the season.  for this year, i think we are just hoping that there are enough victories to help build some confidence, yet enough losses for them to realize the need to continue learning, practicing, and focusing on the concept of working together as a team.  i am in awe of the life lessons that can be taught through a recreational activity.  i hope today is a good day for carter--not necessarily winning a game, but in learning valuable lessons.

for colin, everything is about the word 'no' right now.  he hates it, despises it, throws a temper tantrum when the word is uttered to him.  he really perplexes me as he struggles through this.  his brother has been a 'parent pleaser', understanding the directive 'listen and obey.'  the whole concept of obeying when you disagree with the direction and having to go along with something different than you would like is just foreign to him.  colin loves doing things his way--even if it is harder or not always in his best interest.  he keeps me on my knees talking to God...yet i see an incredible vivaciousness in him that is just contagious.  i think he will be a very effective, strong man someday if he learns that 'no' is not always a bad thing...

i will watch them grow a little each day, praying that they become the incredible, strong, gifted, effective men of God that He created them to be...that they will be blessed far beyond anything i could ever hope for them.

so i let go just a little more today.

whoa

the more i think i know about who God is, the more awestruck i am.

He is unfathomable, awe-inspiring, incomprehensible.

bloggy

i have been catching up on some blog reading lately.  i have to say that it has been an incredibly encouraging, motivating, enlightening, humbling, thought-provoking, challenging, driving time.

it amazes me to read the beautiful, creative, powerful thoughts of so many.  it whispers in a voice that encourages me to dream and hope and feel and create.

i am grateful for these bloggy moments today--they are incredible reminders of a creative spirit that is always growing and can be attributed to an all-creative, all-powerful God.

blog on, people...blog on.

a most monday monday

it is the monday after holiday break.  this is one of the most monday mondays that i have experienced in quite awhile.

looking forward to tuesday :)

tearing up at beauty

i was driving early to church this morning with the goal of not missing the before-rehearsal meeting.  was singing along to the ipod and then i turned a corner and was silenced.  there was a breath-taking sunrise that truly was beyond explanation.

a cool blue accented by a pink clouds that i don't know how to describe.  the pink stretched low along the horizon and where the sun was just beginning to peer up was the distinct pillar of pink, completely perpendicular to the horizon.  it was so...divine, etheral...it made me feel something because all of a sudden i was wiping my eyes to clear the tears.  i don't know what i was feeling...but was moved.  it felt like God painted this beautiful picture in the sky just for me to marvel all.  it was a beautiful way to start a sunday morning.