mixed metaphors

ever wonder what God is going to do with something? ever wonder why He allows certain things to take place or come together? ever wonder why He puts all these seemingly random things together in your life?

i am in that place. i have been wallowing in it for a little over a year now. i do not understand why some things have happened in my life (but know that He plans to make good out of all things). i look back over years and see all these things that do not necessarily 'go together' and wonder what recipe is He mixing together for my life.

there is music and retail and God and church and biblical studies and psychological studies and broken relationships and new relationships and restored relationships and hardships and blessings and family and love for children that i have never met and creative outlets and a struggle with identity and travels and experiences and feelings and opportunities and fears and passions and curiosity...and more...

how do the pieces fit together? (or do they?) where does all this lead next? how does this complex tapestry of who i was and who i am and who i am yet to be look like? feel like? going to accomplish?

i could worry, fret, fear, speculate, freak out.

i am not going to do that.

i am going to take each day, give it to God, and see what He is going to create.

He made me.

He knows me.

He has a plan for me.

He truly desires what is best for me.

He has not forgotten or forsaken me.

He blesses abundantly.

He loves extravagantly.

He extends grace and mercy.

He is patient beyond understanding.

i am anxiously awaiting to see how the recipe turns out, how the jigsaw pieces fit together, to see what the tapestry looks like in its completed state.

a step today

today, i am a hodgepodge of emotions.

last week, we registered our oldest for middle school.

today, we register our youngest for kindergarten.

i am excited for how my boys are growing up towards manhood. i am loving to see and experience them growing up. i laugh at how their sense of humors are developing and how they incorporate what they know of the world into their day to day conversation. i appreciate some of the independence that they are gaining...but struggle with how my role changes a little each day.

i am a little teary because my first-born is getting ready to step into unknown territory (and i remember some of the heartaches of middle school) and my baby is not a baby anymore (and he keeps crying that he would much rather stay at his preschool and wonders who will keep me company in the daytime while he is at school...as i reminded him, thank goodness we have our dog and cat!).

i am launching my children a little farther into the world each day. some days are easier than others. some days i want to let them soar and other days i want to hold them a little closer than i did even the day before. i am so grateful that God helps us on this journey and has us walk only a step at a time.

okay...off to register...and then we will come home and play. :)

falling facedown

this morning at church, i was reminded of something that God has taught me before but that i needed to hear again.

"in God's economy, the way up is down." (quoted from Beth Moore)

that is: the way of being closer to God is to lay down in humility, physically lay facedown in worship.

there is something in the actual physical act of laying facedown before God. for me, it helps me to surrender to Him completely. i cannot hold on to one tiny piece of anything when i am on my face before God. it makes it easier for me to completely surrender to God and what He desires. i admit that it has been months since i have done this physical act of worship. it makes me sad that i so quickly leave someOne when i know what it is that i need to do.

i know what i want and need to do this afternoon...

a monday of small disappointments

i generally like the idea of getting into a new week. mondays really are not that bad...but today has been a day of small disappointments. nothing devastatingly life-changing or catastrophic, but enough to dampen one's mood.

i have one, yes, ONE, class left to finish my degree. it is a general education class...nothing "tough" or hardcore and it has been a massive pain to find something that works. i have submitted a list of about ten classes to my academic advisor to see if any will work. (this is after the other list of five...) i just want to finish and it is still a waiting game. i am praying that the advisor gets back with me very soon because if i cannot get into a class this quarter, it bumps graduation date back.

in january, the main stone on my wedding ring decided to dislodge itself and run away. thankfully, insurance (minus deductible) will cover the cost, but i am on my fifth, yes, FIFTH, series of calls to iron it all out. jewelers and insurance agents, oh my. just ready to wrap this up and 'be married' again. (it feels very naked without a wedding ring on after almost fourteen years of wearing it!)

vacation is a terribly important thing for our family. not because we are so stressed that we need to "escape", but because we realize that our boys are growing so quickly and our time with them is limited. vacation is some serious memory-building time. we found out today that the vacation we were planning...the cabin may not be available at all this summer. this place has become a 'home away from home' for us and we are praying that somehow, there is a week available for us. we have already been dreaming and planned out the hikes we wanted to accomplish--including a summit this year! oh, please, please work!!!

i went to donate blood today and could not due to low iron levels. grrrrrr. i want to help and cannot until my levels are up. (i know that it sounds crazy to be disappointed to not be able to give blood, but i really wanted to help someone and i am not sure when i will have a child-free window of time to do this for awhile...)

so...nothing that gives this monday an it's-the-end-of-the-world feeling, but enough to make it really feel like a monday.

thank goodness tomorrow is tuesday.