i hope

we are at the approach of a new year.

it is a time of year where it is natural to look back at the past year and see all that we are grateful for and have worked through and have seen progress in.

it is a time where it is natural to look ahead, make promises, create expectations.

as i look to the new year, i will not make resolutions--they are too easily broken.

i will share hopes because there is a God that can do amazing things with our hope when placed in Him.

i hope to know God more day by day this year, where i can honestly say that there is a deeper passion and a deeper love at the end of the year than there was at the start.  i hope that i truly know just a small part of Him so intimately that i will never be the same again.

i hope that my life profoundly affects my children, where they can learn and grow daily despite my imperfections.  i hope that they are life-long learners...always curious, always joyful, always wanting to know just a bit more.  i hope that day by day, they grow to be amazing men of God.

i hope that our family's heart grows for those who are lost, hurting, broken...who can show love in many ways, knowing that we can 'be Jesus' to people everyday at anytime. 

i hope to dream big dreams again, ones that are bigger than me that require a God far bigger than anything that can pop into my mind.  i hope that i can let God heal the hurts that only He can heal and that i can come out stronger in my faith, in my character.

i hope that i take time each day to listen quietly to what God has to say, that i would understand clearly and obey.  i hope to hear Him speak.

i hope that our family continues to bless our Compassion children in brazil.  i hope that they know how loved they are--even if we can only show that by financial means and through prayers, letters and small tokens of our love for them.  i hope that some day soon, we could meet them face to face.

i hope that our family and friends know how grateful we are and what they mean to us each day and that we can bless them in return.

i hope that i find joy in each day, seeing God's hand in things little and big.

i hope that i never take anything for granted.

i hope.

a prayer

Father God, i ask that you bring Truth into my life instead of the lies that so often fill this world.

i ask for peace that only You can give in the middle of chaos.

i ask for healing where there has been hurt.

i ask for humility, that i might know only who i am in You.

i ask for grace, that i might love with no record of wrongs like You do every moment.

i ask for mercy and forgiveness for all the things i have done wrong and apart from You.

i ask for joy in all circumstances, with eyes that i might see how You are working for good in all things.

i ask for a servant's heart, modeled and fashioned only after Jesus'.

i ask for tenderness, that no bitterness takes root in my life because of the hard things in life.

i ask for the capacity to love unconditionally like You have done through Your Son.

i ask for strength to stand for You and Your Truths because it is impossible to do it alone.

i ask for eyes to see all Your works, the beautiful details and creativity that we can not fathom fully unless You open our eyes to see.

i ask for wisdom and knowlege to live by each day.

i ask for self-control when i want to do things my way instead of following Your commands and examples.

i ask for quiet moments each day where i can hear You whisper into my life.

i ask for understanding as i walk through each day.

i ask for purpose, that i might know and do all that You want to do through me as i serve You.

i ask for You to help me be all that You created me to be each and every day.

i come not asking these things on my behalf, i come asking Jesus, my Savior, who is the only perfect One and the only who can come to You and ask these things.  i ask them in His name, trusting in the work He did on the cross on my behalf, wholly fearful, wholly grateful, and with my whole-heart.

in Jesus' name...amen.

puppy moments

i am having a little 'moment' here in my living room that i just had to blog about...

we recently purchased (that's right, purchased!  not a hand-me-down or used...) two loveseats to go in our living room.  since they moved in, we all love hanging out in this room!  (i think the christmas tree helps as well :) )  i am sitting on one loveseat, sadly checking facebook and all the blogs i bookmarked while colin and chewy are sitting opposite me on the other loveseat.

here's the dialogue i am listening to and smiling like crazy:

colin: who's my little puppy?

chewy: (lays his head on colin's lap)

colin: that's right. you're my puppy. are you a good puppy?

chewy: (hasn't moved an inch)

colin: well...you're kinda a naughty puppy sometimes.

chewy: (trying to chew colin's hands)

colin: yes, puppy.  you try to eat my mittens.

chewy: (now getting restless and gets off couch)

colin: do you want to play, puppy?  i'll play ball with you.

chewy: (now bringing balls left and right to colin)

[end of dialogue...balls, boy and dog are a blur in the living room]

wait...one more...

colin: come here puppy, i love ya.

a good cry

a christmas card set me to tears today.  a christmas card in my mom's writing, but from my grandma and grandpa had me in tears.  my grandma cannot write like she used to (or drive or clean or...).  she needed my mom to help her do christmas cards this year.  i am so honored to have my mom as my mom--she has been modeling selfless love through caring for her parents--traveling and cleaning, errands and conversation.  the card makes me so sad because it is a reminder of how things are changing (as they inevitably do). but the rapid deterioration of my grandparents health is what make the change so hard to watch and experience.

i am glad the card came today.  i just needed a good cry.

sick kid.  incredibly busy and stressful work week.  some built up emotions and heartache.  maxed kids and pets--and we are only on wednesday!  tears helped.  to get some of that emotion just out.  i do not understand everything i was crying about today--i just know i needed to do it.

i am not freaking...seriously!

okay, my monday morning started out at 3:34 am with carter sharing how he puked all over his bed and clothes.  it was followed shortly with colin joining us in bed because he was having bad dreams.  (you can imagine the sleep that took place before the alarm went off at 6:15)

this is one of the most stressful times of year at work.  our christmas presentation is this week on top of the normal services.  there are lots of behind the scenes extras and i know that if i do not do my role effectively, it makes things far more stressful for not only me later in the week, but many others.  

things did not go at all as planned this morning.  hubby stayed home with kids in the morning so i could work and then we needed to switch for the afternoon.  there was a training meeting at work this morning that i completely forgot about and all  kinds of little things that took far longer than they normally would just because of the multiple things happening this week.

we have major things going every single night this week.  practices, rehearsals, concerts...  i still don't have sitters lined up like i need to.  i did not make it to the grocery store like i needed to today because i needed to stay home with a sick boy.

now...here's the kicker.  i am not freaking...at all.  i know God has it all in His hands.  He will use me if i am open and willing to be His vessel.  He cannot use me when i am holding onto all the little pieces, trying to control and manipulate them to fit my way.  i came home from work and did not worry about a thing.  (even when e-mails and phone calls came)  i know it is God's.  

i am enjoying my boys--wanted to snuggle and talk together.  we have carter's homework packet to look at together and colin wants to read car story after car story.

(carter even said i can go blog and catch up on e-mails because he can get going on his math page.  whoa.  that is a miracle!)

no freaking...just letting God do His thing.

i smile.

i am sitting here in front of my christmas tree, all lit up, with a soft smile across my face.

been catching up on some e-mails, some blog reading... in my reading, i got to see someone living their life to the fullest that God is calling them to.  how cool is that!--to see and experience someone using their very unique gifts and are fully aware that God is working through them.  i know God has used them in my life and today, i got to see the ripple effect of how many people their life impacts.

i smile.

oh so quietly

have you ever felt invisible?  i have to admit that i have felt that way quite a bit lately.

there are moments that it hurts deeply, that it causes tears

there are reminders from God that i am not invisible to Him,

that nothing goes unseen in His watch.

in thinking about the Christmas season,

i have been reminded that God came into this world

oh-so-quietly with very few knowing what had taken place.

it was not unseen.

although i may feel like my service goes unnoticed

or taken for granted,

i will remember and take heart in my Savior

who came quietly and follow His example.

what to blog?

what to blog, what to blog?  life truly has been a whirlwind lately of goodness and difficulty, of busyness and some heartache.  i am unsure of what to talk about...

the seasons seemed to just explode at our home--multiple thanksgivings and christmases in the same four days (with multiple expanded family 'opportunities' that tested character and stamina. don't get me wrong, i love my family but packing everything in a few days in close quarters would test the most devoted saint!)

at work, the holidays mean many extra hours and many extras in general.  i have been striving to have a servant's heart in the midst of it all, but there are moments that take me right up to the point of tears.  there have been reminders of God's goodness in it all and that helps me take things one day at a time.

we awoke thanksgiving morning to a phone call sharing that my grandpa is not doing well at all.  he had fallen out of bed (again) and where the tumor is sitting in his body is causing discomfort like nothing he has experienced before.  hospice is coming more frequently and they are upping medicines to help with pain.  my grandma is simply exhausted and it is so hard to see her struggling so hard just to function, let alone help take care of her sick husband.  i pray that God gives them sweet peace and reminds them of His presence in our lives.

i did get to see my sister who lives in k.c. over the thanksgiving break and that was good.  we do not get to see very much of each other, so we need to make the most of the times we can!  my brother-in-law has a blast shopping for the boys...night vision was involved this year.  need i say anything more?

and my mom and i did do the suicide shopping the day after thanksgiving.  we got everything we wanted, waiting very little in lines, and found some special things along the way.  i'm excited to see the boys' faces when they open gifts here at home.  i think carter is going to be shocked that he and his brother will get what they have been asking about consistently!

life is busy and sometimes hard and has sweet moments tucked all throughout it.  

holidays can become more of a mess than what they were ever intended to be, so i am going to be intentional to find a moment each day to focus on the sweet moments, seeing God's goodness in it all.

p.s.  just had a hilarious moment...an ambulance rushed by with its sirens full force.  our dog howling along, followed by the four year old, and me too.  i can only imagine what the neighbors are thinking!