breaking the silence

from the previous post, you know that there has been heartache in my life. the heartache still continues. sadly, things are not better...but in actuality, are worse. (or so it feels at this moment.) phone calls and e-mails have taken place. words have been twisted and rearranged to the point that one has to question what reality is/was. there has been silence and a bit of space. (which i desperately needed because it helps me to pull back and gain perspective and to look at the big picture of the situation) this time has caused me to look back and consider many things about life. here is a small attempt of sharing what i am learning in this moment:

i am grateful for the home i grew up in. i never once doubted that i was loved. i had parents who showed their love in tangible ways and who supported each of their children by letting them become their own unique people. my parents invested themselves into each of our lives in many ways...ways that i did not know or even understand at the time, but i am beginning to understand now. that experience greatly shaped who i am today. i am grateful.

God overwhelms me with His love and goodness. despite my flaws and the countless mistakes i make, He loves me in the most amazing of ways. unconditionally. sacrifically. tenderly. passionately. so much that He wants to help me grow each day...which sometimes means He disciplines and allows consequences so i can learn. when i think of His love for me, i tear up because it is so overwhelming. what a beautiful thing...

i do not understand God and His ways, but that does not mean that i do not trust Him. i really hate all that is going on in my extended family right now and i wish He would just intervene and bring peace. i am trusting Him that even through the heartache, He is at work and has something beautiful planned. i trust that He is going to bring beauty from the ashes...

my family--my husband and two boys--are such blessings to me. life may not always be easy with them (especially as we are foraging new territory with a pre-teen boy who is working through so many things in his life :) ), but i would not want to journey through life without them... they bring so many smiles to my face and heart and remind me of what the most important things in life are. i love them to pieces.

dear friends are a gift from God. i am reminded each day with phone calls and notes and visits and facebook postings what a treasure friendship is. i thank God that His plan included doing life together.

and silence. i have learned much in silence lately. silence is needed. it allows one to truly hear. it helps to sort things out in the chaos. i am learning that i hear God best when i am quiet because He speaks so softly and tenderly. i could surround myself in busyness and people, but i would miss out on so much. i need some silence. (i think we all do.)

until next time...

a different beginning

2011 has begun. i always tend to approach the new year not with resolutions, but with remembering how blessed i have been and how blessed i truly am in all ways--spiritually, mentally, emotionally, physically. i do my best to look to the new year with an optimistic hope and a curiosity of how God is going to move and work in my and my family's life in the upcoming year.

this year is feeling so different because it is beginning with heartache.

we all have heartache and difficult times. i know that God uses those experiences in our lives to teach some of the most valuable lessons. i know that i have experienced deep hurts in the past and have survived...solely because of who God is and the strength He provides.

the heartache is deep because the hurt is coming from family. two people whom i do care about deeply have leveled some of the most cutting, hurting words and sentiments to me and about me and about my family.

what does one do when you try to reach out, compromise, be considerate, be thoughtful, be supportive, be encouraging, be generous when it is not reciprocated in return? does one keep trying despite the hurt that it causes oneself over and over? i understand sacrifice and would sacrifice anything for my family (close and extended) in a heartbeat, but i feel that i am at the point that i can give no more.

my heart breaks because i have been wounded to the core and feel that there is so little left to give. the offending party has winded me. my chest aches not because the things that they said are true, but because everything i have ever done or said has been twisted to be seen as intentionally hurting them. (trying to communicate or be involved is seen as intruding into their life, giving distance and space is ignoring and not caring. trying to help is seen as ordering and bossing around, doing nothing is seen as being insensitive and uncaring. asking questions to which they would not answer and then making a decision without their input because a decision needed to be made is seen as me disrespecting their views and thoughts.) it is not about 'winning', but i feel as though there is no way that i can be successful in existing in their life, let alone having a meaningful relationship.

the only thing that is helping me process this is to look at things from the perspective that their self-focused viewpoint is clouding their eyes from seeing seven plus years of attempted relationship. i know what it is like to live life for myself and i know what is like to live life the way Jesus asks us to (i do not do it perfectly, but i do know that He has been helping me more day by day). i cannot erase who i was before Jesus changed me, but i would have hoped that these two individuals would have seen the dramatic change that everyone else has for the past eighteen years.

i pray that God does mighty miracles in this upcoming year. i pray that He mends and heals and transforms. i pray that He brings resolution. i pray that He takes this most ugly moment and turns it into something beautiful. He is able. and i will trust Him.

2010 in books--part four, the final installment

i enjoyed looking back at the books i have read over the past year. sometimes, they reflected my mood. at others, what i was desiring to learn to satiate some curiosity. i hope that 2011 is as productive and invigorating read...

enduring love
by ian mcewan

lost on earth: nomads of the new world
by mark fritz

letters to a young therapist
by mary pipher

heroes for my son
by brad meltzer

clean food
by terry walters

the giver
by lois lowry

heat wave
by richard castle
(yes, i know this is a fictitious author. total guilty read.)

private
by james patterson

twilight
by stephanie meyer

how to talk so kids can learn at home and in school
by adele faber and elaine mazlish

a december rambling

one--i know i have been a bad blogger. i am sorry. really.

two--it is the Christmas season and for the first time in years, my shopping is not completed before Thanksgiving. i do not enjoy shopping in the craziness. i LOVE finding thoughtful gifts for others. i do not enjoy desperation present-hunting. good news is that i only have a few gifts left to purchase and i know what i need to buy, so i am not too worried about it all.

three--after much waiting and praying (and honestly, worrying), i had a first day at my new job yesterday! it was good, overwhelming, confusing, tiring yet energizing, and an adventure. i appreciated the opportunity to serve in this role and am hoping that the substitute status changes to a regular status soon. i have much to learn, but feel that this just might be where i am supposed to be right now...

four--i love my kids. despite the tweener hormones that we are learning to live with here and the fact that my kindergartner prefers his room to be in the 'dump' status, i just have to say that they are the best. truly. they have been teaching me much lately. i hope i am teaching them a thing or two as well.

five--middle school can be ugly. (thank goodness one does not have to repeat it. hopefully.) while working yesterday, i saw all that my eldest son deals with during his school day. it was a reminder to me to make sure that our home is his refuge. it also was a reminder to me of how much i have to be thankful for... it also reminded me to sanitize my hands and to be aware of what my son watches and listens to.

six--okay, this is just plain petty, but i am thrilled that our town recently opened a trader joe's. i get excited about little things.

seven--on my side of the family, our Christmas gift this year is that my extended family will be taking a disneyworld trip together next summer. we started planning. aligning four families' schedules and preferences requires divine intervention. how do i know that God is at work in this? dates, plane tickets, and rooms were all agreed upon and booked this week. i am so excited for the memories of all of us doing this together. i love that my boys get to have grandparent and aunt & uncle memories like this. i feel very blessed.

eight--oh, how i strongly dislike commercialized Christmas.  in contrast, i love all that the first true night of Christmas entailed: a quiet, unexpected point in time where God gifted us with a most wonderful gift--the gift of His Son. a time where God used the ordinary to do something extraordinary... i love that God modeled love through sacrifice, not because it cost Him so much and i receive so much more than i deserve, but because it shows me how to love in the deepest way. Christmas truly is not about giving a bevy of luxurious (and unneccesary) gifts, but about giving from the heart...sacrificially, thoughtfully, completely. the first Christmas was God modeling His love for us in a very tangible way. that, i like.

nine--whoever is reading this, i hope that you have a truly blessed Christmas season and that you have a moment to reflect not on Santa, but on the CHRIST part of Christmas. if you are in a rush, you will not be able to truly understand what this season is to remind us of. God speaks in the most quiet of moments. i pray that you have quiet moments to hear God speak to you this Christmas. blessings to you.

until next time...

google experiment, take one

i am completely amused at what pops up in the google ads with each post and refresh.
today, it would appear that i am a blonde hacker that is going to bible college, who simply must see the latest harry potter flick.

let us experiment...
i am going to type a random list of things that i enjoy and we shall see what google adsense brings to us.

here we go:
(in no particular order of importance)

books, nature, gift giving, goldendoodle dogs, grey's anatomy on thursday evenings, dr. pepper, chocolate, down blankets, my life is good warm socks, coffee, dear friends that love me as i am, crocheting scarves, coupons, avoiding housework, mountains, fireplaces, taking photographs, playing with my kids, giggles, quiet moments, cornhusker football, movies, my itouch, family, long drives, long walks, exploring, Jesus, food, music, learning, compassion international, helping people i have never met, trying new things, shopping with a purpose, target, my husband, listening to my son play the violin, listening to my other son on the piano, anything with caramel in it, quiet evenings at home, hearing about my family's day, pantene hairspray, lipstick, traveling, creativity and all of its' expressions...

i think this will be an experiment that will need to be researched regularly.
now, let us observe the outcomes.

here we go...

sometimes, i am a planner. sometimes, i love to just let things 'happen' and roll with whatever comes down the pike. i like both. i like the fusion of the two--some expected things and some opportunity to improvise in the moment. i am unsure if that is 'normal' or not. but i digress...

when it came to our children, we did not 'plan' them or try to have them come during a certain time of the year or have them a certain time frame apart. they came just when God wanted them to come. i am trusting God's timing, but i do admit that sometimes, i wish our timing was a bit different...

our youngest son's birthday falls a week before thanksgiving. our oldest is right at the new year. and in between is thanksgiving, our niece's birthday, christmas, new year's, and there are extended family and friends' birthdays and anniversaries sprinkled throughout that time frame as well.

i love the celebrating and time with family and friends. i love planning surprises and i LOVE giving gifts. what i struggle with is that it all hits in the same five weeks. no spreading it out evenly throughout the remaining weeks of the year. honestly, sometimes it feels as though it is a season of gift gluttony without the opportunity to truly be grateful for and enjoy it all.

i pray that my kids know how special they are and how loved they are as their birthday celebrations are surrounded by so much chaos. i pray that they know how blessed they are as they are showered not only with gifts, but by the love shown by their family and friends as they travel to come celebrate and spend time together. i pray that they appreciate the thoughtfulness shown their way by others and that they reciprocate and multiply that their whole life long. in essence, i do not want them to get lost in the frenzy of errands, obligitory gift giving, and 'necessary' traditions. i want them to celebrate and be grateful for who God made them to be. i want them to be aware and active in recognizing and celebrating what God is doing in others. i want them to be intentional about slowing down and appreciating the moment, rather than being overwhelmed by everything that is swirling around them.

if i could plan anything, i would plan for my kids to live life the way Jesus wants them to live. i will have to see what comes down the pike...

a blonde moment

yes, literally.

while i sit here with my laptop and my cup of coffee, my hair is bathing in a solution that is returning it to its, ahem, natural color. while my husband disputes my 'natural' haircolor, i would like to state here that i have always been blonde... until i colored my hair the day after i graduated from high school. (that was when it accidentally ended up a drab shade of olive. as in green. i LOVE green...just not in my hair. after my mother was rightfully furious with me and we visited a salon that could do wonders, my hair became the 'anne of green gables' auburn i was striving for.) that color gradually faded and i entered college being the blonde that i had always been. years of coloring later, i was working through a difficult time and thought that i should radically change my haircolor as a way to build my esteem or express my frustration or something. DARK auburn with highlights. i felt evil. seriously. lesson learned from that experience: stick with your natural color. you feel much better.

and here we are on this november morning. so, today is golden blonde. we are approaching the winter and i am not going for the super sunny look. i have been champagne blonde, ultra light blonde, ultra light sun blonde, honey blonde, light golden blonde, frosted blonde...i have even done that bleach packet straight up. golden should be good today. that even sounds good. and least i will be encouraged when i look at the mirror and there are not pesky darker roots taunting me. (and those few emerging greys. grrrrrr.)

am i covering up who i am now as i alter my haircolor with chemicals that are probably toxic? i guess i don't look at it that way. i look at it more as maybe holding on to a piece of my past that is a physical part of my identity...even though i generally disdain the typical blonde stereotypes. as i have worked through a few different hair shades, i will refer to that oh-so-typical line... i have had more fun as a blonde.

so honey, argue all you want, this is my natural color. :)

(yikes! look at the clock! need to rinse the toxic sludge off before it turns an entirely unexpected color!)