a december rambling

one--i know i have been a bad blogger. i am sorry. really.

two--it is the Christmas season and for the first time in years, my shopping is not completed before Thanksgiving. i do not enjoy shopping in the craziness. i LOVE finding thoughtful gifts for others. i do not enjoy desperation present-hunting. good news is that i only have a few gifts left to purchase and i know what i need to buy, so i am not too worried about it all.

three--after much waiting and praying (and honestly, worrying), i had a first day at my new job yesterday! it was good, overwhelming, confusing, tiring yet energizing, and an adventure. i appreciated the opportunity to serve in this role and am hoping that the substitute status changes to a regular status soon. i have much to learn, but feel that this just might be where i am supposed to be right now...

four--i love my kids. despite the tweener hormones that we are learning to live with here and the fact that my kindergartner prefers his room to be in the 'dump' status, i just have to say that they are the best. truly. they have been teaching me much lately. i hope i am teaching them a thing or two as well.

five--middle school can be ugly. (thank goodness one does not have to repeat it. hopefully.) while working yesterday, i saw all that my eldest son deals with during his school day. it was a reminder to me to make sure that our home is his refuge. it also was a reminder to me of how much i have to be thankful for... it also reminded me to sanitize my hands and to be aware of what my son watches and listens to.

six--okay, this is just plain petty, but i am thrilled that our town recently opened a trader joe's. i get excited about little things.

seven--on my side of the family, our Christmas gift this year is that my extended family will be taking a disneyworld trip together next summer. we started planning. aligning four families' schedules and preferences requires divine intervention. how do i know that God is at work in this? dates, plane tickets, and rooms were all agreed upon and booked this week. i am so excited for the memories of all of us doing this together. i love that my boys get to have grandparent and aunt & uncle memories like this. i feel very blessed.

eight--oh, how i strongly dislike commercialized Christmas.  in contrast, i love all that the first true night of Christmas entailed: a quiet, unexpected point in time where God gifted us with a most wonderful gift--the gift of His Son. a time where God used the ordinary to do something extraordinary... i love that God modeled love through sacrifice, not because it cost Him so much and i receive so much more than i deserve, but because it shows me how to love in the deepest way. Christmas truly is not about giving a bevy of luxurious (and unneccesary) gifts, but about giving from the heart...sacrificially, thoughtfully, completely. the first Christmas was God modeling His love for us in a very tangible way. that, i like.

nine--whoever is reading this, i hope that you have a truly blessed Christmas season and that you have a moment to reflect not on Santa, but on the CHRIST part of Christmas. if you are in a rush, you will not be able to truly understand what this season is to remind us of. God speaks in the most quiet of moments. i pray that you have quiet moments to hear God speak to you this Christmas. blessings to you.

until next time...

google experiment, take one

i am completely amused at what pops up in the google ads with each post and refresh.
today, it would appear that i am a blonde hacker that is going to bible college, who simply must see the latest harry potter flick.

let us experiment...
i am going to type a random list of things that i enjoy and we shall see what google adsense brings to us.

here we go:
(in no particular order of importance)

books, nature, gift giving, goldendoodle dogs, grey's anatomy on thursday evenings, dr. pepper, chocolate, down blankets, my life is good warm socks, coffee, dear friends that love me as i am, crocheting scarves, coupons, avoiding housework, mountains, fireplaces, taking photographs, playing with my kids, giggles, quiet moments, cornhusker football, movies, my itouch, family, long drives, long walks, exploring, Jesus, food, music, learning, compassion international, helping people i have never met, trying new things, shopping with a purpose, target, my husband, listening to my son play the violin, listening to my other son on the piano, anything with caramel in it, quiet evenings at home, hearing about my family's day, pantene hairspray, lipstick, traveling, creativity and all of its' expressions...

i think this will be an experiment that will need to be researched regularly.
now, let us observe the outcomes.

here we go...

sometimes, i am a planner. sometimes, i love to just let things 'happen' and roll with whatever comes down the pike. i like both. i like the fusion of the two--some expected things and some opportunity to improvise in the moment. i am unsure if that is 'normal' or not. but i digress...

when it came to our children, we did not 'plan' them or try to have them come during a certain time of the year or have them a certain time frame apart. they came just when God wanted them to come. i am trusting God's timing, but i do admit that sometimes, i wish our timing was a bit different...

our youngest son's birthday falls a week before thanksgiving. our oldest is right at the new year. and in between is thanksgiving, our niece's birthday, christmas, new year's, and there are extended family and friends' birthdays and anniversaries sprinkled throughout that time frame as well.

i love the celebrating and time with family and friends. i love planning surprises and i LOVE giving gifts. what i struggle with is that it all hits in the same five weeks. no spreading it out evenly throughout the remaining weeks of the year. honestly, sometimes it feels as though it is a season of gift gluttony without the opportunity to truly be grateful for and enjoy it all.

i pray that my kids know how special they are and how loved they are as their birthday celebrations are surrounded by so much chaos. i pray that they know how blessed they are as they are showered not only with gifts, but by the love shown by their family and friends as they travel to come celebrate and spend time together. i pray that they appreciate the thoughtfulness shown their way by others and that they reciprocate and multiply that their whole life long. in essence, i do not want them to get lost in the frenzy of errands, obligitory gift giving, and 'necessary' traditions. i want them to celebrate and be grateful for who God made them to be. i want them to be aware and active in recognizing and celebrating what God is doing in others. i want them to be intentional about slowing down and appreciating the moment, rather than being overwhelmed by everything that is swirling around them.

if i could plan anything, i would plan for my kids to live life the way Jesus wants them to live. i will have to see what comes down the pike...

a blonde moment

yes, literally.

while i sit here with my laptop and my cup of coffee, my hair is bathing in a solution that is returning it to its, ahem, natural color. while my husband disputes my 'natural' haircolor, i would like to state here that i have always been blonde... until i colored my hair the day after i graduated from high school. (that was when it accidentally ended up a drab shade of olive. as in green. i LOVE green...just not in my hair. after my mother was rightfully furious with me and we visited a salon that could do wonders, my hair became the 'anne of green gables' auburn i was striving for.) that color gradually faded and i entered college being the blonde that i had always been. years of coloring later, i was working through a difficult time and thought that i should radically change my haircolor as a way to build my esteem or express my frustration or something. DARK auburn with highlights. i felt evil. seriously. lesson learned from that experience: stick with your natural color. you feel much better.

and here we are on this november morning. so, today is golden blonde. we are approaching the winter and i am not going for the super sunny look. i have been champagne blonde, ultra light blonde, ultra light sun blonde, honey blonde, light golden blonde, frosted blonde...i have even done that bleach packet straight up. golden should be good today. that even sounds good. and least i will be encouraged when i look at the mirror and there are not pesky darker roots taunting me. (and those few emerging greys. grrrrrr.)

am i covering up who i am now as i alter my haircolor with chemicals that are probably toxic? i guess i don't look at it that way. i look at it more as maybe holding on to a piece of my past that is a physical part of my identity...even though i generally disdain the typical blonde stereotypes. as i have worked through a few different hair shades, i will refer to that oh-so-typical line... i have had more fun as a blonde.

so honey, argue all you want, this is my natural color. :)

(yikes! look at the clock! need to rinse the toxic sludge off before it turns an entirely unexpected color!)

randomness

i am feeling rather random today. it is one of those i-need-to-try-and-get-a-variety-of-loose-ends-tied-up-and-some-other-things-started kind of day. so...i shall bore you with my list here, hoping that it helps me to remember and prioritize and motivate.

i have already updated and balanced the checkbook. something i should have done near the end of last week, but i can now say that i have that task completed (until it needs to be done again). i paid some bills and the dog was thrilled that he got to go along for the ride. i cheated birthday baking at the end of the week by ordering cupcakes from our grocery store. they can decorate in ways that i am incapable of, and most importantly, they can create what my birthday boy was asking for. thank goodness! i was getting nervous that i would have to find a way to recreate things in frosting. eek. i got caught up on this week's bible study homework that we will be discussing tomorrow. i guess the silver lining is that it will all be fresh in my mind since i procrastinated the majority of it to today... i took a few quiet moments with my cup of coffee and sent off some quick facebook notes to friends i wanted to encourage. (i probably should have taken the time to write notes, but quick facebook jottings are better than nothing, right?) i got the clean dishes put away and the dirty ones into the dishwasher. i cleaned the toothpaste left in the sink this morning. twice. (two boys who brushed their teeth at different times...)

as you can read right now, i am in process of blogging. i really want to get better at writing more regularly. blog. journal. notes to friends. letters to our compassion kids. whatever. i feel convicted to do it more. i feel better afterwards and there is a little less swirling around in my head. so, writing (via blog format today): check.

i need to exercise in some form. thinking it will be taking the dog for a lovely autumn stroll. wait...let me rephrase. thinking it will be trying to keep up with the dog as he is overly anxious to get going as fast as he can, as far as he can, for as long as he can on this lovely autumn day. need to mentally and physically prepare for that one.

i need to find someone to talk to about the next step in the job pursuit.

*update*
last week i did interview for a position that i applied for back at the start of august, had a physical for the position, got the okay for the position, got the ID tag for the position. good news! right?
well...the position begins in an on-call type fashion, but because i have not worked in this exact role before, i am not qualified for all the on-call positions i am receiving notices for.
so...i have a job that i am not able to work at yet. confused yet? i am!
today's goal: i need to find someone to talk to about the next step in the job pursuit. i have been trying to schedule an appointment with a person that i think can help, but she has been out of the office and out of town...and i am not even sure if she is the person i am supposed to talk to. goal is to eliminate at least a hint of the confusion today. good luck!

my youngest is turning six at the end of this week. exciting! i have been feeling terribly guilty because the weekend is overflowing with things that will compete with a birthday celebration. today is trying to reschedule and reorganize so there is some time to focus on a wonderful, thoughtful, creative, high-energy, brand new six year old. (and i need to get presents wrapped. at least the shopping is done!) with the birthday comes company, which means wow. i need to clean my house! i will probably not dig in too deep today into the cleaning because too much can happen in the course of a week. but...it is on the radar. dust bunnies should be on high alert.

and i should start thinking about what i am going to cook for supper. i am notorious at creating things right at five o'clock. thinking i should try to be a bit more intentional...although some of my favorites have come from my five o'clock planning. thinking tonight will involve pasta in some form.

and my youngest and i began writing a book this summer together. about peanut butter. over the weekend, we both were thinking about it and decided that we need to finish it. so...i hope to find a smidge of time today to pull up the document, rework some wording, and ponder how we shall illustrate. shall he draw the artwork? (there is NO way that i am doing that...his drawings are far better than mine! i can conceive some ideas, but have no skills for following through.) shall we take pictures and he can be our 'star'? do we leave the artwork and just go for something abstract? hmmmmmm. we have work to do!

i do have my daily taxi routine to fulfill as well. double-school pick-ups. thankful that it is gorgeous weather today after last friday's rain and slush-fest.

okay. i know there is plenty to fit into today... now, to go tackle something.

after lunch.

letting autumn in

turtlenecks and fleece vests, thick and fuzzy socks, down blankets...
all necessities because i want to avoid turning on the heat so i can let the autumn through the windows.

(and i will admit that my toes are frigid, but so enjoying the crisp air. :) )

removing the distractions...

tuesday mornings are spent with the sweetest group of moms that i have ever met. our church has a bible study focused on encouraging moms in their walk with Jesus. we are doing a study on how to be beautiful offerings to God. it has been good...humbling, encouraging, good.

as we were spending some time discussing the study this morning, i had one of those moments where God lets you open your eyes for a moment and you simply go "a-ha". we were talking about the things that we have counted on in ourselves--our roles as wife and mom to be the core of our identity, letting our goals define us, having our job define our value, depending on our skills to give us worth... and then tears flowed as we talked about when those things have been taken away in our lives. when those things that we were depending on disappear, then what?

here was my "a-ha"...

oh, how quickly i depend on things other than God. i find value in my view that i am a pretty decent wife and mom. i have things that i consider noble that i want to do with my life and i think that those things give me some kind of worth. i want to use my skills and be recognized and valued for my contribution to my church and community. what happens when God takes all that away?



wait for it...



i depend on Him.
(i know this probably is a "duh" thing...but it felt very new to me this morning.)

does God tenderly (and sometimes dramatically) take things away from us or put us in circumstances that we cannot depend on ourselves simply so we can depend on Him?

why would He do that?
i think of how i would do anything for my boys. i would sacrifice anything to help them grow up into the men they are to be. i want to give them gifts lavishly just because i love them, but i do not want to spoil them to the point that they do not understand the point of the gifts. i want them to be strong enough to handle difficulties that life will throw at them, so instead of rushing in to shield them from all consequence, i do let them deal with the blows that life throws them--whether those blows were due to consequence from their choices or if it is just the difficulties that seem to come with life... i am there to hug and dry tears and remind them that they are loved no matter what. in all situations. in all circumstances. i simply love them like crazy.

is that what God is trying to tell each one of us? is He simply helping us to depend on Him?sometimes, the only way He can tell us is by taking the distractions that we have created out of the picture.

He loves us like crazy...and wants us to trust Him and Him alone.

chasing my tail

my dog makes me laugh. he loves socks and cleaning out the peanut butter jar. he loves to play fetch but doesn't like to give the ball to you. he is highly affectionate, yet has a hard time just being still sometimes. and he can run like a madman in the backyard and in the 'loop' in our home. and when he is really bored, he'll chew on his foot and work to chase his tail until he can finally catch up to it.

as you well know if you have read a few of my posts, i am in the midst of the job hunt. oh, what a journey it has been. i have searched and applied. interviewed and received plenty of rejection. i studied and completed my degree, hoping that it would open many more doors in the pursuit. applied and interviewed some more. i have a very hopeful prospect, but here is where i feel as though i am chasing my tail, just like my dog: now, it does not matter that my degree is in the right field. i need very specific credit hours--a very specific number of them with a very specific GPA. and the amazing thing...this is an entry-level job. i am trying to remain optimistic and present myself well, sharing the oodles of applicable experiences that i have out in the real world, but deep down...i feel like i am chasing my tail. i am not sure what i am going to do if i actually catch it.

i think i shall curl up on my loveseat, just like my dog, right now.

an inconvenient hacking

as i was walking away from dropping my youngest off at school this morning, i had a call from my hubby. (an unusual time for him to call) i answered the phone with a "what's up?". he hesitated and i began to freak. was he in a car accident? are things okay at work? do you still have a job? did he get a call from family and he is sharing difficult news? ??? i was genuinely worried.

(insert continued dramatic pause here)

...then he shared with me that both his yahoo and facebook accounts were hacked. whoever the hacker is did a great job as they tweaked e-mail address and account settings and made it impossible for him to access account information. then shortly after i posted about the hack on my facebook page, calls and e-mails started coming in. the hacker (who i really need to come up with a nickname for...he has been the topic of conversation all morning here and i feel we may be spending more time together than i would like) sent out an e-mail under the hubby's name that we were in london, we were attacked by a man with a pistol and all our money, id's, cell phones, etc. were taken. we went to the embassy and the police, but they were no help. now, we are trapped at the hotel because they will not let us leave until the bill is paid. could you help us out in our plight?

let us set the hacker straight:
1.) we are at home and did not take any last minute european getaway. it is SO not in our budget. i love to travel, but we have school-age children and i would not be taking them out of school this time of year. and if we were going to take this trip, we would have been telling all of our family and friends immediately because i would never be able to contain my excitement about a trip like that.
2.) we would NEVER contact friends via e-mail to ask for money...even in a situation as bizarre as the hacker suggested. does anyone really do that???
3.) the hacker should not have picked my husband's account to pose as because he notoriously never checks facebook, let alone communicates with everyone via that route. do your homework, hacker!
4.) i had plans for this morning and the hacker completely messed that up.
*sarcastically* thank you, hacker.
instead, i got to go through and verify and change passwords on all of our online accounts. probably good to do this more often than we do, but it is not how i was planning my morning today. i do not appreciate what you have spent your energies on, hacker.
5.) for all the time and energy that this takes for all parties involved--the perpetrator and the perpetrated--YOU COULD BE WORKING AT A REAL JOB!!! you could have made some serious money using real computer skills instead of preying on people with back-alley tricks.

one last thing to the hacker:
i pray that no one falls for your schemes. i know we are not the only account that you hacked. i hope that as you attempt this scheme over and over that you make a mistake that leads to the end of this 'career choice' of yours. i do sincerely hope that you are busted.

to overflow

mercy and grace are something difficult for me to fathom. i feel and experience them daily, but i admit that i do not understand their fullness, their depths. i am pretty sure that i limit the doses of the two in my life because of how i have been feeling about myself...especially lately. what an unwise choice. i am limiting how God can work in my life. to willfully limit or turn away such a lavish gift--wake up, girl!!! 


this morning, i was reminded of the grace and mercy that God extended to me. i was teary all morning during our bible study (and i am pretty sure that all the gals there thought i was some hot emotional mess). it moves me to think of the price that God is willing to pay to love and save me, yet how i quickly forget that or mess things up. in our study, we were reminded of how tenderly God loves and cares for us, of the grace and mercy He extends to us and...here is the part that got to me the most: we are to extend that grace and mercy to everyone we meet because we may be the only grace and mercy they experience today. no one needs to be beat down or judged any more than they already have been. God has limitless grace and mercy that we can share with each person we encounter. oh, how i need to live this way more intentionally...how it could change other's lives...and mine.


i have much to learn, on so many levels. i know that God was reminding me this morning that first, i need to receive His grace and mercy...fully. He delights in giving His grace and mercy and i want Him to delight in me. second, i need to extend that grace and mercy to everyone i encounter. Jesus has blessed me and overwhelmed me with His love and grace. that is what should be overflowing from my life.


what a divinely timed reminder in my life...

2010 in books--part three

it has been a while. sorry. could give a long-winded excuse, but i will not.
here are the books that i have enjoyed while not blogging...


the short second life of bree tanner
by stephanie meyer


in defense of food
by michael pollan


the help
by kathryn stockett


eclipse & breaking dawn (sigh.)
by stephanie meyer


mozart's sister
by nancy moser


just jane
by nancy moser


the martian child
by david gerrold


the postmistress
by sarah blake


undaunted
by zoya phan


rare
by joel sartore


finding nouf
by zoe ferraris


twilight (double sigh.)
by stephanie meyer


half the sky
by nicholas kristof & sheryl wudunn


the wonder of boys
by (sorry...i forgot)


a million miles in a thousand years
by donald miller

what i am doing...

okay...job hunting.
tough.
humbling.
discouraging.
energy-consuming.
full of potential.
searching for the right fit.
knowing that it is out there somewhere.
putting myself out there.
waiting.
hoping.
waiting.
following up.
waiting.
waiting.
hoping.
waiting.

transition shock

today was a big day in our home. oldest child to middle school. youngest to kindergarten.
dog is confused and will not leave my side while the boys are gone. i was overwhelmed by how quiet our home was this morning and early afternoon. it was bad enough that i even...exercised. by choice.


oldest is at the point where he does not want to be let off too close to school, for fear that someone might realize that his mom drove him there. oh wait--EVERYONE'S mom drives them there. and i was a bit concerned about pick-up, but was delightfully surprised by how he wanted to share every (and i do mean every detail) about the first day in this foreign place. (and secretly, i was thrilled that he wants to talk about it all...i hope we have debriefing sessions like this every day. maybe just focusing on the major highlights and not the exact folders and notebooks he needed to grab between each class and why.)


youngest had his stubborn moments of not wanting to smile for a picture. or wear the shirt that we picked out at the store together. or wear his backpack. (he only wanted to carry it over his head.) but the BEST was him running to me out of the building to give me the best kindergarten hug ever. and when i asked him about his first day, he replied: "it was... ... AWESOME." all the parents around me got a giggle out of his reaction.


so, all in all, it really was a good day. it seems strange to call this 'normal'...both boys gone all day long. and me exercising. i think they are transitioning just fine...it is this mama that is in a state of shock. i think it will get easier day by day...

slacker

yes...i have been a blogging slacker this summer. call it a rest, a desire for quiet and/or reflection, silence...but please don't call it laziness. (i can have a rather fragile self-esteem. :) )
honest confession: i think really, it has been a feeling of that what i have to share doesn't feel all that important or blog-worthy. i know...each day has its' purpose and importance and i truly am grateful for each day. i just don't always feel like sharing all that is going on. especially while i am working through and processing things.


i am in the midst of the job-hunting quest. i have taken steps to try new things and think out of the box. i have faced rejection. i have been in some vulnerable places. i have had surprises come out of left field. and i am waiting. and waiting. and sending follow-up calls and e-mails. and waiting. in fact, i am going insane waiting to hear about the most feasible and exciting prospect right now. i didn't want to blog about how i am going crazy waiting...but here we are...


over the summer, i have traveled some with my family. badlands, black hills, and monuments. jagged rocky mountains and serene lakes. those were definitely some of the high points of my summer. i wish traveling and experiencing new places with my family could be a paying job. Hmmm... (oh, and i absolutely have to mention a family reunion that took place in hordeville. yes, that is the town's name. i am working to relocate the next reunion to a slightly larger town.)


there has been music and serving. sleeping in and coffee. card games and laundry. writing and photographing. running through sprinklers and cleaning up drippy popsicles and ice cream. cooking and trying new foods. (that is a wonderful part of summer.) reading books and searching through websites for job listings. zoo visits. birthdays and anniversaries to celebrate. lots of 'normal' things that have filled the summer days full.


and near the end of this summer break, bittersweet times. my grandpa's journey with cancer and old age came to an end. he passed on my husband's fortieth birthday. i am sad for the loss and what that means to my family, but i am grateful that he is not suffering. i am sure that he is enjoying a cup of coffee in heaven served just the way he always liked it--cream and sugar with some coffee stirred in.
the rest of summer will include visiting my grandma and encouraging her however we can. we will drive there tomorrow and hopefully bring smiles to her face and heart. and then there is the final approach to school. my boys are growing up before my eyes...and they both start on new journeys--one in middle school (pray for him) and one in kindergarten (pray for him too).


so, i have been a blogging slacker, but i have been living life one day at a time. i have been trying to live boldly, taking new steps, taking nothing for granted, and appreciating all the little things that come together each day. i don't mind being called a slacker when it comes to blogging, but i never want to be called that when it comes to living.

2010 in books--part two

i am finished with classes and it is summertime. bring on the reading!

here's the latest since the last listing...

the divine commodity

by skye jethani

the flying carpet of small miracles

by hala jaber

48 days to the work you love

by dan miller

mad church disease

by anne jackson

gorgeously green

by sophie uliano

dear john

by nicholas sparks

water for elephants

by sara gruen

i am nujood, age 10 and divorced

by nujood ali

the career guide for creative and unconventional people

by carol eikleberry

delighted

over the long memorial day weekend, we had the opportunity to travel to the black hills area of south dakota to see my niece baptized. it was a full weekend as i wanted to try to experience as much as possible in the three days we had in such a beautiful area.

on our way there we had the scenic detour of the barren badlands, followed by the required photo shoot at wall drug. (everyone needs their picture taken with an oversized jackalope!) we stopped at storybook island for a picnic supper...i know that this would be one of the last times we would stop there with our children as they are growing up right before my eyes.

there was a baptism and time with family, close and extended. lunch and time at mount rushmore, experiencing a truly american sight. we drove through custer state park on the needles highway--my favorite drive in the area, and stopped at sylvan lake and walked around.

even on the drive headed home, we made sure there was time for the very scenic spearfish canyon and experienced its' three waterfalls. and then we were blessed with the most beautiful clouds the entire drive back to our hometown.

yes, it was beautiful...but there was a moment...while we were driving through the needles, that there was a true whisper from God. i get goosebumps thinking about it. my eyes tear up as i think of who God is and how tender He is to us.

we had been driving for a bit and i made a comment out loud to my family that it was rather different that we hadn't seen hardly any wildlife this trip. yes, we'd seen some deer...but not much more. and then i said, "i want God to just 'wow' us. i want to see some big horn sheep or something." and the drive went along...

and we came around a large curve and slowed down for the truck that was pulled over on the other side of the road. there was a large, majestic lone buffalo grazing right at the side of the curb. i smiled...God let us cross paths with some of the wildlife i was longing to see out in its' natural habitat. and then we drove...

then...oh, then...took another curve and... not only was there one big horn sheep, but seven, SEVEN! gathered right there. right there on the hill by the road! followed on the next curve by deer! and then colin, my youngest, said that we hadn't seen any chipmunks yet and he prayed that we would see chipmunks. and around another curve, we saw a chipmunk scurrying across the road.

as we finished the drive with the sun setting as we reached the hotel, i had to ponder on how tender and generous God is. as the psalmist declared, He longs to delight us.

whoa. i've read that and thought "oh, how nice." but this was real. it was a small thing that i was thinking/asking and God not only provided that encounter with His creation, He went far above and beyond what my expectations were. He not only gave, He gave more than i could imagine. how like God.

i know it's not about asking God for Him to just give us things or experiences. i know that it isn't about me and my wants or desires. it is really about who He is, about His heart, His character, His love. i am overwhelmed. He loves me so much that He would answer the smallest of desires of my heart just to remind me of His love for me.

my eyes water...my heart is full...and i feel loved. He delighted me.

+/-

up and down. positive and i guess, negative.

been a good day is some regards, difficult in others.

accomplished a long awaited goal.

unexpected e-mail that is both a positive thing and a difficult one all at the same time.

wonderful reminders of why parenting can be such a joy...

and reminders of what a difficult job it can be.

i am feeling a bit torn in two.

i want to smile and laugh one of those deep belly laughs that you like to only do in private because of how loud and obnoxious it is.

i want to let some tears out that are born from things in the not-so-distant past.

i really am feeling both extremes at the same time.

and that is...confusing...

neutral?

...

taking a few steps together

we all have a story. we all are on a journey. i know...this is not a revolutionary thought...but it is.

spent some time with an acquaintance that is becoming to be a dear friend. as we were walking and chatting, i began to learn some things about her that i would have never guessed during our previous talks. the conversation was very onion-like as we continued...with each little thing shared and a little more trust established, more personal things came out...one layer at a time.

i think God knew i needed a conversation like this today...the opportunity to see that we all have struggles, luggage from the past...but that we all are on a journey where He is restoring us, teaching us, shaping us, challenging us, growing us...and He has us on the journey together. we can help each other up when we fall down, we can encourage one another if we are slowing down or lagging behind, we can celebrate victories together...

i walked a few steps with a friend today. i am grateful for what God has done and continues to do in her life. i am grateful that those few steps encouraged me in my walk today...

proud mama

last night my eldest had a performance with a strings group he was selected to be a part of. as parents, it was a sweet evening--to see that all the driving around and extra lessons and lecturing at home that "yes...you HAVE to practice today" moments truly do have a reward. yes, he's learning a discipline that will benefit him his whole life. yes, he's learning an appreciation for the beauty of music. yes, he's meeting new people and learning how to work together. but, the best part was hearing him going to bed and saying "THAT was fun."

2010 in books--part one

was thinking back to what i have been reading lately...well, since the start of the year. i have read some good stuff! but, i know that my brain does not always function on all cylinders so i thought i better document somewhere what i read so when someone asks me, there will be something to refer to. here is the list so far... (in no particular order other than the order in which i could actually remember the titles) here's to some fabulous reads!

secondhand jesus

glenn packiam

three cups of tea

greg mortensen

to the summit

margo chisholm

eat, pray, love

elizabeth gilbert

the twilight series (again)

stephanie meyer

enough

roger thurow and scott kilman

the road to paris

nikki grimes

diamonds in the shadow

caroline b. cooney

peak

roland smith

red glass

laura resau

bible (a continual read :) )

God

Jesus calling

sarah young

havah

tosca lee

numerous kid books

social psychology textbook

(yes...i truly did read the whole book)

world regional geography textbook

(halfway through that one...absolutely fascinating!)

i started a fiction book based in tuscany, but it was LAME so i quit

(and it was not 'under the tuscan sun' book either...)

i wanted to try

pride and prejudice and zombies (and the others in the series)

got it at the library and just could not bring myself to read it.

why do that to dear jane???

read a few books on living 'green' and a book on parenting, but the titles completely escape me

i am curious...what have YOU been reading?

intentionality

this weekend, some of the world chose to recognize the Easter holiday. some do it with family gatherings and ham dinners. some call upon a mysterious bunny that leaves little plastic eggs filled with sweets. some deck their homes out with bunny decorations and pastel flowers. some get all dolled up in a new dress or hat or outfit and maybe even visit a church. some do all of the above. and then there are some who, while possibly gathering with family and eating ham and desserting on chocolate, are reminded of something that cannot be seen, but is felt at the core of their being and has dramatically altered their life. they remember that about two thousand years ago, a very unique God-man came to this world and just a few short years later, became the ultimate sacrifice for all of mankind's sins.

on good friday evening as my family watched 'the passion of the christ' together, i could not help but remind myself that i should be reflecting on Jesus this much every day...a holiday weekend is a nice way to intentionally focus, but really, i should be this intentional every day. yes...EVERY day. how quickly i take what Jesus did for me (and for all mankind past, present, and future) for granted. it is just a part of my day-to-day living knowing that i am loved and forgiven and have a future that spans for all of eternity. watching that film was a reminder of how costly my Jesus paid for me. He ached emotionally, physically, spiritually. He took humiliation and unjustice knowing that as He did, He was taking care of things for ALL time for all of humanity. despite the very human feelings of fear and rejection, He was willing to take the cup of God's wrath because He loves us SO much. Jesus was so intentional with the choices He made. Easter weekend is a reminder of that. i need to follow His example...i need to intentionally choose to follow Him every step of every day.

i am praying that i live this way more each day...intentionally choosing Jesus with each step. it may be costly, as our Example has modeled, but it is the only way to truly live.

mixed metaphors

ever wonder what God is going to do with something? ever wonder why He allows certain things to take place or come together? ever wonder why He puts all these seemingly random things together in your life?

i am in that place. i have been wallowing in it for a little over a year now. i do not understand why some things have happened in my life (but know that He plans to make good out of all things). i look back over years and see all these things that do not necessarily 'go together' and wonder what recipe is He mixing together for my life.

there is music and retail and God and church and biblical studies and psychological studies and broken relationships and new relationships and restored relationships and hardships and blessings and family and love for children that i have never met and creative outlets and a struggle with identity and travels and experiences and feelings and opportunities and fears and passions and curiosity...and more...

how do the pieces fit together? (or do they?) where does all this lead next? how does this complex tapestry of who i was and who i am and who i am yet to be look like? feel like? going to accomplish?

i could worry, fret, fear, speculate, freak out.

i am not going to do that.

i am going to take each day, give it to God, and see what He is going to create.

He made me.

He knows me.

He has a plan for me.

He truly desires what is best for me.

He has not forgotten or forsaken me.

He blesses abundantly.

He loves extravagantly.

He extends grace and mercy.

He is patient beyond understanding.

i am anxiously awaiting to see how the recipe turns out, how the jigsaw pieces fit together, to see what the tapestry looks like in its completed state.

a step today

today, i am a hodgepodge of emotions.

last week, we registered our oldest for middle school.

today, we register our youngest for kindergarten.

i am excited for how my boys are growing up towards manhood. i am loving to see and experience them growing up. i laugh at how their sense of humors are developing and how they incorporate what they know of the world into their day to day conversation. i appreciate some of the independence that they are gaining...but struggle with how my role changes a little each day.

i am a little teary because my first-born is getting ready to step into unknown territory (and i remember some of the heartaches of middle school) and my baby is not a baby anymore (and he keeps crying that he would much rather stay at his preschool and wonders who will keep me company in the daytime while he is at school...as i reminded him, thank goodness we have our dog and cat!).

i am launching my children a little farther into the world each day. some days are easier than others. some days i want to let them soar and other days i want to hold them a little closer than i did even the day before. i am so grateful that God helps us on this journey and has us walk only a step at a time.

okay...off to register...and then we will come home and play. :)

falling facedown

this morning at church, i was reminded of something that God has taught me before but that i needed to hear again.

"in God's economy, the way up is down." (quoted from Beth Moore)

that is: the way of being closer to God is to lay down in humility, physically lay facedown in worship.

there is something in the actual physical act of laying facedown before God. for me, it helps me to surrender to Him completely. i cannot hold on to one tiny piece of anything when i am on my face before God. it makes it easier for me to completely surrender to God and what He desires. i admit that it has been months since i have done this physical act of worship. it makes me sad that i so quickly leave someOne when i know what it is that i need to do.

i know what i want and need to do this afternoon...

a monday of small disappointments

i generally like the idea of getting into a new week. mondays really are not that bad...but today has been a day of small disappointments. nothing devastatingly life-changing or catastrophic, but enough to dampen one's mood.

i have one, yes, ONE, class left to finish my degree. it is a general education class...nothing "tough" or hardcore and it has been a massive pain to find something that works. i have submitted a list of about ten classes to my academic advisor to see if any will work. (this is after the other list of five...) i just want to finish and it is still a waiting game. i am praying that the advisor gets back with me very soon because if i cannot get into a class this quarter, it bumps graduation date back.

in january, the main stone on my wedding ring decided to dislodge itself and run away. thankfully, insurance (minus deductible) will cover the cost, but i am on my fifth, yes, FIFTH, series of calls to iron it all out. jewelers and insurance agents, oh my. just ready to wrap this up and 'be married' again. (it feels very naked without a wedding ring on after almost fourteen years of wearing it!)

vacation is a terribly important thing for our family. not because we are so stressed that we need to "escape", but because we realize that our boys are growing so quickly and our time with them is limited. vacation is some serious memory-building time. we found out today that the vacation we were planning...the cabin may not be available at all this summer. this place has become a 'home away from home' for us and we are praying that somehow, there is a week available for us. we have already been dreaming and planned out the hikes we wanted to accomplish--including a summit this year! oh, please, please work!!!

i went to donate blood today and could not due to low iron levels. grrrrrr. i want to help and cannot until my levels are up. (i know that it sounds crazy to be disappointed to not be able to give blood, but i really wanted to help someone and i am not sure when i will have a child-free window of time to do this for awhile...)

so...nothing that gives this monday an it's-the-end-of-the-world feeling, but enough to make it really feel like a monday.

thank goodness tomorrow is tuesday.

step...step...step

i have been in a 'mountain reading' mood lately. blogs, forums, books... i have been missing the mountains and have the desire to do some serious, long, contemplative hiking. since the closest thing i have to mountains here at home is the hill we take the boys sledding on, reading will have to do.

i think the idea of 'journey' is something that i really relate to right now in life. we may not always know what the end will exactly be or even what the final destination is, but part of the enjoyment and meaning and fulfillment is the road getting there. i feel like i am in that middle part, not knowing exactly where i am heading, but know that there is something worth climbing to. i keep taking a step followed by another one. there are things to enjoy along the way...but i have to admit that i am feeling weary without knowing exactly where this path is going.

i was so grateful for today's devotional in Jesus Calling. it was a reminder of God wanting each step--that i am not to worry about tomorrow, i am simply to trust Him today.

step...step...step...

i thought it was something little

i have been feeling highly convicted lately to pray for, think about, write to, my dear sweet children that are around the world--my compassion children. i shamelessly admit that i get teary-eyed when i hold and read each letter from them and look at the few pictures we have of them. i feel like i do very little for them--sponsorship, writing letters and e-mails, and sending a small packet of photos and hand-drawn pictures from my children to them seems like a trifle when i know a portion of all that they struggle with in day-to-day life. and then i read this:

http://blog.compassion.com/child-expectations-of-their-sponsors/

those little e-mails and notes are making a difference in children's lives.

that humbles me.

got my funny bone

attitude, persuasion, conformity

those are the primary subjects i have tackled so far in this week's class reading homework.

a few weeks into this social psychology class, and i honestly am overwhelmed at the human capacity to be so influenced, even on subconcious levels. we are easily persuaded, influenced...worried about fitting into ingroups and outgroups...fall into falling for prejudices that we do not even know are there...

it has been a powerful reminder to me about how God made us...He made us each uniquely in His image, yet sin has marred His creation. instead of resting in who He made each one of us to be, we are concerned with what others think of us--sometimes even putting others down just to feel better about ourselves, of struggling with self-esteem since we do not fully understand, nor rest in, what He created us to be...

for just a moment, i am going to rest in the fact that all God wants me to be is the unique creation He made to fulfill specific purposes.

(what do you think of that? is that okay?)

forgive me

i have not been a very good blogger for some time now. there have been things worth writing about. there has been time to write. i simply did not feel like expressing all of life in blog-form for the time being. the 'old-school' actually-use-a-pen type journal won out. i was reminded by the ache in my hand that i should probably physically write more often...you know, to build up strength.

the latest:

after some research, found out that i only needed two classes to complete my bachelor's degree. this is something that should have been done years ago, but alas, life happens and my priority has been my family. BUT...the stars have aligned so to speak and it is time to finish this puppy up. this past week, i began a five-week accelerated social psychology class. should be good, but very time consuming with the homework volume each week. then, will take one other class independently once i get past this first one.

had a job interview this past week as well. praying it is the right fit. could be a very engaging, exciting job...and the bonus is that it fits with my family's schedule where i will still be available for my kids. need to wait for the rest of the interviews to take place and then i will find out final decisions. so...i wait.

winter activities are kicking off today. basketball and extra music things for one son and preschool field trips for the other. i am sure that God knew what He was doing when we were blessed with only two children...i am clueless as to how some moms keep up with so many schedules!

and speaking of winter...yes, it is! record cold, record snow amounts, record amount of school snow days used. it has felt like an extended winter break with the exception that we have been trapped in our home. (that is not a bad thing...) i enjoy some snow, but this is a bit extreme. feeling a bit stir crazy today...

okay...brief update. better get some coffee in me.