i hope

we are at the approach of a new year.

it is a time of year where it is natural to look back at the past year and see all that we are grateful for and have worked through and have seen progress in.

it is a time where it is natural to look ahead, make promises, create expectations.

as i look to the new year, i will not make resolutions--they are too easily broken.

i will share hopes because there is a God that can do amazing things with our hope when placed in Him.

i hope to know God more day by day this year, where i can honestly say that there is a deeper passion and a deeper love at the end of the year than there was at the start.  i hope that i truly know just a small part of Him so intimately that i will never be the same again.

i hope that my life profoundly affects my children, where they can learn and grow daily despite my imperfections.  i hope that they are life-long learners...always curious, always joyful, always wanting to know just a bit more.  i hope that day by day, they grow to be amazing men of God.

i hope that our family's heart grows for those who are lost, hurting, broken...who can show love in many ways, knowing that we can 'be Jesus' to people everyday at anytime. 

i hope to dream big dreams again, ones that are bigger than me that require a God far bigger than anything that can pop into my mind.  i hope that i can let God heal the hurts that only He can heal and that i can come out stronger in my faith, in my character.

i hope that i take time each day to listen quietly to what God has to say, that i would understand clearly and obey.  i hope to hear Him speak.

i hope that our family continues to bless our Compassion children in brazil.  i hope that they know how loved they are--even if we can only show that by financial means and through prayers, letters and small tokens of our love for them.  i hope that some day soon, we could meet them face to face.

i hope that our family and friends know how grateful we are and what they mean to us each day and that we can bless them in return.

i hope that i find joy in each day, seeing God's hand in things little and big.

i hope that i never take anything for granted.

i hope.

a prayer

Father God, i ask that you bring Truth into my life instead of the lies that so often fill this world.

i ask for peace that only You can give in the middle of chaos.

i ask for healing where there has been hurt.

i ask for humility, that i might know only who i am in You.

i ask for grace, that i might love with no record of wrongs like You do every moment.

i ask for mercy and forgiveness for all the things i have done wrong and apart from You.

i ask for joy in all circumstances, with eyes that i might see how You are working for good in all things.

i ask for a servant's heart, modeled and fashioned only after Jesus'.

i ask for tenderness, that no bitterness takes root in my life because of the hard things in life.

i ask for the capacity to love unconditionally like You have done through Your Son.

i ask for strength to stand for You and Your Truths because it is impossible to do it alone.

i ask for eyes to see all Your works, the beautiful details and creativity that we can not fathom fully unless You open our eyes to see.

i ask for wisdom and knowlege to live by each day.

i ask for self-control when i want to do things my way instead of following Your commands and examples.

i ask for quiet moments each day where i can hear You whisper into my life.

i ask for understanding as i walk through each day.

i ask for purpose, that i might know and do all that You want to do through me as i serve You.

i ask for You to help me be all that You created me to be each and every day.

i come not asking these things on my behalf, i come asking Jesus, my Savior, who is the only perfect One and the only who can come to You and ask these things.  i ask them in His name, trusting in the work He did on the cross on my behalf, wholly fearful, wholly grateful, and with my whole-heart.

in Jesus' name...amen.

puppy moments

i am having a little 'moment' here in my living room that i just had to blog about...

we recently purchased (that's right, purchased!  not a hand-me-down or used...) two loveseats to go in our living room.  since they moved in, we all love hanging out in this room!  (i think the christmas tree helps as well :) )  i am sitting on one loveseat, sadly checking facebook and all the blogs i bookmarked while colin and chewy are sitting opposite me on the other loveseat.

here's the dialogue i am listening to and smiling like crazy:

colin: who's my little puppy?

chewy: (lays his head on colin's lap)

colin: that's right. you're my puppy. are you a good puppy?

chewy: (hasn't moved an inch)

colin: well...you're kinda a naughty puppy sometimes.

chewy: (trying to chew colin's hands)

colin: yes, puppy.  you try to eat my mittens.

chewy: (now getting restless and gets off couch)

colin: do you want to play, puppy?  i'll play ball with you.

chewy: (now bringing balls left and right to colin)

[end of dialogue...balls, boy and dog are a blur in the living room]

wait...one more...

colin: come here puppy, i love ya.

a good cry

a christmas card set me to tears today.  a christmas card in my mom's writing, but from my grandma and grandpa had me in tears.  my grandma cannot write like she used to (or drive or clean or...).  she needed my mom to help her do christmas cards this year.  i am so honored to have my mom as my mom--she has been modeling selfless love through caring for her parents--traveling and cleaning, errands and conversation.  the card makes me so sad because it is a reminder of how things are changing (as they inevitably do). but the rapid deterioration of my grandparents health is what make the change so hard to watch and experience.

i am glad the card came today.  i just needed a good cry.

sick kid.  incredibly busy and stressful work week.  some built up emotions and heartache.  maxed kids and pets--and we are only on wednesday!  tears helped.  to get some of that emotion just out.  i do not understand everything i was crying about today--i just know i needed to do it.

i am not freaking...seriously!

okay, my monday morning started out at 3:34 am with carter sharing how he puked all over his bed and clothes.  it was followed shortly with colin joining us in bed because he was having bad dreams.  (you can imagine the sleep that took place before the alarm went off at 6:15)

this is one of the most stressful times of year at work.  our christmas presentation is this week on top of the normal services.  there are lots of behind the scenes extras and i know that if i do not do my role effectively, it makes things far more stressful for not only me later in the week, but many others.  

things did not go at all as planned this morning.  hubby stayed home with kids in the morning so i could work and then we needed to switch for the afternoon.  there was a training meeting at work this morning that i completely forgot about and all  kinds of little things that took far longer than they normally would just because of the multiple things happening this week.

we have major things going every single night this week.  practices, rehearsals, concerts...  i still don't have sitters lined up like i need to.  i did not make it to the grocery store like i needed to today because i needed to stay home with a sick boy.

now...here's the kicker.  i am not freaking...at all.  i know God has it all in His hands.  He will use me if i am open and willing to be His vessel.  He cannot use me when i am holding onto all the little pieces, trying to control and manipulate them to fit my way.  i came home from work and did not worry about a thing.  (even when e-mails and phone calls came)  i know it is God's.  

i am enjoying my boys--wanted to snuggle and talk together.  we have carter's homework packet to look at together and colin wants to read car story after car story.

(carter even said i can go blog and catch up on e-mails because he can get going on his math page.  whoa.  that is a miracle!)

no freaking...just letting God do His thing.

i smile.

i am sitting here in front of my christmas tree, all lit up, with a soft smile across my face.

been catching up on some e-mails, some blog reading... in my reading, i got to see someone living their life to the fullest that God is calling them to.  how cool is that!--to see and experience someone using their very unique gifts and are fully aware that God is working through them.  i know God has used them in my life and today, i got to see the ripple effect of how many people their life impacts.

i smile.

oh so quietly

have you ever felt invisible?  i have to admit that i have felt that way quite a bit lately.

there are moments that it hurts deeply, that it causes tears

there are reminders from God that i am not invisible to Him,

that nothing goes unseen in His watch.

in thinking about the Christmas season,

i have been reminded that God came into this world

oh-so-quietly with very few knowing what had taken place.

it was not unseen.

although i may feel like my service goes unnoticed

or taken for granted,

i will remember and take heart in my Savior

who came quietly and follow His example.

what to blog?

what to blog, what to blog?  life truly has been a whirlwind lately of goodness and difficulty, of busyness and some heartache.  i am unsure of what to talk about...

the seasons seemed to just explode at our home--multiple thanksgivings and christmases in the same four days (with multiple expanded family 'opportunities' that tested character and stamina. don't get me wrong, i love my family but packing everything in a few days in close quarters would test the most devoted saint!)

at work, the holidays mean many extra hours and many extras in general.  i have been striving to have a servant's heart in the midst of it all, but there are moments that take me right up to the point of tears.  there have been reminders of God's goodness in it all and that helps me take things one day at a time.

we awoke thanksgiving morning to a phone call sharing that my grandpa is not doing well at all.  he had fallen out of bed (again) and where the tumor is sitting in his body is causing discomfort like nothing he has experienced before.  hospice is coming more frequently and they are upping medicines to help with pain.  my grandma is simply exhausted and it is so hard to see her struggling so hard just to function, let alone help take care of her sick husband.  i pray that God gives them sweet peace and reminds them of His presence in our lives.

i did get to see my sister who lives in k.c. over the thanksgiving break and that was good.  we do not get to see very much of each other, so we need to make the most of the times we can!  my brother-in-law has a blast shopping for the boys...night vision was involved this year.  need i say anything more?

and my mom and i did do the suicide shopping the day after thanksgiving.  we got everything we wanted, waiting very little in lines, and found some special things along the way.  i'm excited to see the boys' faces when they open gifts here at home.  i think carter is going to be shocked that he and his brother will get what they have been asking about consistently!

life is busy and sometimes hard and has sweet moments tucked all throughout it.  

holidays can become more of a mess than what they were ever intended to be, so i am going to be intentional to find a moment each day to focus on the sweet moments, seeing God's goodness in it all.

p.s.  just had a hilarious moment...an ambulance rushed by with its sirens full force.  our dog howling along, followed by the four year old, and me too.  i can only imagine what the neighbors are thinking!

goodbye and hello

we have been honored to sponsor two children through compassion international.  i have been so impressed with their ministry--their heart for truly making a difference not only in children's lives, but their family's and community's as well, their integrity, their financial wisdom...i could gush on and on.

this past week we received some rather sad news from them.  mwamnyazi--our nine year old from kenya--had to move away from this compassion project due to the fact that both of his parents have passed and no one was able to take care of him in the area.  he has moved to live with his uncle.  his uncle does not live in a compassion area, so our sponsorship of him has come to a close.  i cried.  there was a sweet departure letter, but the goodbye seemed so abrupt as we were just beginning to learn his story and who he is.  as i called compassion's sponsor relations line to determine the next step, the counselor shared some very dear things.  she reminded us that it is so good that he will be with some family instead of being passed to an orphanage.  she reminded us that we need to continue praying not only for mwamnyazi, but for his uncle as well...that the seeds that were planted will continue to grow and he will become a man of God and live his life for Jesus.  the compassion staff was so supportive and understanding and reassuring that God has a plan for Him and this is a part of it all.

so...we had the privilege of supporting him for a brief season and will never forget the things he shared in letters and the beautiful dark brown eyes in his picture.  i hate saying goodbye--especially when we do not know if there will ever be an opportunity for a 'hello' again this side of Heaven.  i pray that God does mighty, mighty things in his life.

after knowing the difference that compassion sponsorship can do in a child's life, we did not hesitate a moment about asking for the opportunity to sponsor another child.  thinking and praying about it all, compassion worked with our requests and found us another child in brazil--same country as micaelly--that was in a similar predicament as mwamnyazi...awaiting a sponsor and has limited family to help in their care.  looking online, we learned that we will now be sponsoring a fourteen year old girl named maria.  i cannot wait to get our packet and first letter from her.  she is more than a story, she is a girl that has dreams and plans...and hopefully now is filled with hope of what God can do in her future.

one goodbye and one hello.

we may never get to meet these dear, dear children here on earth.  i cannot wait to hug them in Heaven and see all that God made them to be!

p.s.  would you please consider making the difference in the life of a child here and now?  sponsorship is about a dollar a day and can truly be the difference of life and death for a child. visit Compassion International online today.  honestly, i have been blessed beyond measure for the few dollars...it changes me every day and i am grateful!

insomnia...kind of

i am tired but cannot sleep.

i want to be productive but am having a hard time focusing.

it is times like these when often God is trying to get my attention.

i am going to be quiet and listen.

there are small thoughts that are swirling and rising.

i need to listen.

whirlwind

been a whirlwind of a week and the next week is looking like one too.

better find a quiet moment to get ready for the new week.

seriously stylish

my almost four year old has been expanding his vocabulary lately.  kids are little sponges, soaking the world in around them.  it has been fun to talk and to figure out his understanding of the world around him.

a couple days ago, i rearranged colin's room to make it 'new' for his birthday week.  yesterday, i was cleaning windows when he came up behind me and asked me this question:

"mom, do you think my room is stylish?" 

my reply: "stylish?  well...  ahhh...what do you think 'stylish' is?"

colin: "stylish means it is very clean."

my reply: "then, yes, it is stylish right now.  we'll ask that again in ten minutes!"

this morning, colin came up to me and said "mom, i am seriously ready to go."

"seriously, colin?"

"seriously, mom."

he proceded to use 'seriously' in as many sentences as possible today.

i seriously loved it! :)

cliche phrases

i grew up hearing the phrase 'treat others the way you want to be treated'.

as Christians, people who look to Jesus Christ as their source of life and for the ultimate model of how to live life daily, this phrase is more than some cliche.  we are not just to live this phrase out, we are to go beyond it--we are to treat others better than ourselves.  

wow.

it saddens me that every day, i am surrounded by people who claim Christianity as their credo, their religion, their lifestyle preference, yet the actions simply do not align with this principle of treating others better than you would yourself.  i know we all have faults, selfish moments, sin--but the Bible makes it abundantly clear that selfish behavior is not a sign of God at work in our lives.  we should be known for our selfless love, our servant hearts, our humility because of the work that God is doing in us daily.  it is that selfless love and humility that will draw others to who Jesus is because it is only He that can help us get past ourselves and love others without condition.  

religion can be filled with cliche phrases.  i pray that my life is filled with signs of God at work in me...love, patience, peace, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control.  i know i am incapable of those things in their purest essence without His work in me.  i want Him to unleash those things so i can only point to God and say that it is all Him.

timeless classics

this afternoon, colin and i snuggled under a down blanket to read stories on a cold day.

sick dinosaurs and bears that talk helped us learn a small lesson or two.

he asked me to sing him a song i knew when i was a little girl.  (i love when he asks things out of the blue!)  the only thing that came to mind right away were nursery rhyme songs--

jack and jill

humpty dumpty

london bridge

he kept asking for song after song.

i forgot a few words of some of the more obscure ones,

so we went and got my mother goose book out that my grandparents gave me for christmas.

we opened the cover and there was a note from them, dated 1975.

i got a little teary.

we read and sang and sang and read.

little boy blue

what little boys are made of

little jack horner

colin loved it.  we went through the over one hundred pages in this book with yellowed pages and drawings that they don't do anymore.  i loved that he loved it.  he asked if we could read them again later.  how can i say no?

(i am trying to figure out how to use some of mother goose's vocabulary in my daily conversation...'betwixt' has got to fit in there somehow!)

terrible patient

i have been fighting a cold for about a week.  i am not a very good sick person.

i have to be incredibly intentional about taking things easy,

about intentionally stepping back and laying low,

about giving the body time to heal while it is fighting infection.

one of the boys has the same cold,

so we have taken times to snuggle for a tad longer than normal.

cannot complain about that :)

colin is a go-getter even when he is under the weather.

(it just requires you following behind with kleenex and antibacterial hand sanitizer.)

hoping we are on the downhill side of the colds.

at least this round.

(going to get some orange juice...)

things don't always make sense

one of the lessons i have been learning lately is that things do not always make sense and that is okay.  things may happen that are unexpected, that are different than the way we would like them to be, may seem unrelated, just seem plain wrong in our perspective...but here is the kicker--the problem is our perspective.  we see things completely from our own vantage point with our interest in mind.  we can be aware of others perspectives, but will not see things fully from their point of view no matter how hard we try.

now pull back and recognize that there is a God who has the full perspective--of all plans, of all circumstances and situations, of all goals and outcomes, from the beginning to beyond infinity.  He has and knows the big picture.  it is His perspective that we should be trusting in.  it is okay if something may not make sense to me because in God's plans, it has already been orchestrated fully with a final outcome and plan in mind.

knowing that God has what's best for each one of us in mind, we can trust Him for all the things in our life--tragedies and triumphs, big and small steps, logical and illogical...He is the perspective we need in our lives.

vote--it's a right and responsibility here.

running circles

i am sitting on my couch watching colin and chewy run circles around each other, around the upstairs, around me.  i am not dizzy...yet.  although i am becoming exhausted--they do not stop...ever!

well done

we had a funeral to attend this morning.  he was a kind man who always took time, had a story to tell, and you left with a smile on your face.  his wife was a mentor to me as we served in ministry together.  their family models investing in others' lives every day.  

to see the room filled with family and friends, people who were impacted by his life...it was a good feeling.  it was a reminder that the most important things in life are the relationships we have--with God, with others...  their family has modeled trust and dependence on God...in all circumstances.  i am grateful for their example.

he lived life well and will be missed.

looking

looking.

i have been looking for something, but am not exactly sure what IT is.

there is something deep within that is calling me.

i am looking for the next piece...the next step...

i am learning that i need to be quiet and listen very carefully.

i need to be careful that i don't get in the way.

i know that this isn't really about me.

i know that there is something much bigger.

this is a risk, an adventure, a process, a journey.

i'm looking and listening and learning and growing.

i have to admit that i'm a little scared (and a little excited).

but i find great solace knowing that there is One

that has incredible plans

and i rest with Him.

partly cloudy

feeling a bit like the weather today...little cloudy, little dark with moments of glorious sunshine peaking out here and there.  i am hoping that all-day sunshine is in the forecast for tomorrow.

rainy tuesday

it is tuesday.  it is a rainy tuesday.  it is a rainy tuesday that is just beckoning for time on the couch, curled up under a blanket, reading a good book.  think that is what we are going to do now.

nice.

where do you go?

my journey with Jesus began by reading in the psalms.

it is where i always turn to first when i need to reground and regroup.

it is my reminder to worship in all things.

it is my reminder of how emotionally beautiful our relationship is with God.

it is my reminder of how God wants us to cry out to Him in all things.

when i am feeling stupid or don't know what to do,

i read in proverbs.

being a woman, proverbs thirty one is an incredible reminder.

it reminds me of the possibility of what i can become

when i let God do His work in me.

when i want to know about who wins at the end of the day,

i go to revelation and daniel and isaiah.

there is mystery i do not understand,

but i know what the final outcome will be.

when i need a role model and a hero,

i turn to the story of joseph

and admire his character and perseverance,

his trust and faith in a God that did not answer him in the way he expected.

when i need something radical,

something profound, yet simple.

when i want to see love and forgiveness,

just anger and action.

when i need to hear a master teacher

and someone who steps outside of the lines every time,

i flip to matthew, mark, luke and john

and find every word in red.

Jesus' profound, life- and world-changing teachings

that stir up emotions and actions.

life cannot be the same after you spend some time with Him.

there are many places to go when life is coming at you.

where do you go?

mustard

a condiment.  typically goes with hot dogs or hamburgers, maybe a sandwich.

tonight, it reminded me of God's variety, of His design in making things with great variety.

we grilled hot dogs for supper tonight.  went to grab all the condiments to put on the table.

typical yellow table mustard.

chipotle mustard.

smoky onion mustard.  (mmm...tasty)

how does this relate to God?  variety.  God made variety.  God loves variety.

He could have made us all the same.

He could have made the things around us identical.

He could have made our perspectives exactly the same.

He could have made the landscape of the world entirely predictable.

but He didn't.

we come in different colors with all kinds of variables.

eye color, hair type and color, height, width.

talents, interests, abilities, likes and dislikes.

we have different passions and fears.

some of us love to be in the middle of it all.

some of us love to find a secluded place.

some of us love both.

we are surrounded by cities or wide-open spaces.

there are animals and plants of incredible variety around us.

the weather changes constantly.

the seasons show us variety.

some are incredibly sensitive and some do not notice the emotions of others.

some of us are thinkers and some thrive on action.

some go on impulse and some are reserved, wanting to wait before acting.

loud, soft, artistic, athletic.

mountains, plains, ocean, desert.

arid, humid, rainy, snowy.

peaks, valleys.

i am so grateful that He gave great attention to detail.

an infinite variety of detail.

we get to enjoy the infinite variety of His creation.

tonight at our house, it was mustard.

tomorrow, it is an infinite amount of possibilities.

what someone can do with cardboard and a video camera

blank

my mind is just blank today.  it kind of was yesterday too.

caught in a routine and it causes me to check out a bit.

have not been in a creative mood, an adventurous mood, a learning mood.

i am bummed about that.

i am reading a book that is getting me a little excited.

'the organic god'

liking it.  it makes you look at the little things with new eyes.

makes you look at who God made you to be.

makes you think at how you want God to be at work in your life.

hoping the blank goes away soon

and the creative and adventurous and learning come in great abundance.

i do not like being blank.

puppy love

i am watching my dog look out the window, watching the world go by.

would love to know what goes through his brain--he gets all excited as some cars go by and others simply do not captivate his attention.  squirrels used to cause him to run and slide into the window in the hopes that one of these times, he would make it out and get to chase and now he knows that he is not to chase them everywhere, so he doesn't even blink as one skitters across the yard.

he looks happy.  he knows he's home and he's spoiled.  

(two minutes later...)

i am now very frustrated with my dear, sweet, happy puppy.

during the typing of the first paragraph of this entry, he decided to tip over my glass of water on the coffee table--soaking the papers and pictures i had there.

then, i had to pry one of colin's favorite hot wheels from his mouth.

next, i had the joy of reminding him that floor rugs are not chew toys and neither are my feet.

thinking it's time for that dear, sweet, happy puppy to spend some time in the backyard. :)

girly (???!!!!!)

for the first time in a very LONG time, i get to have a girly morning!

(i am in shock, confused and struggling with what to do!)

hubby is home today watching little one.  big one is off at school.

i got to take the dog for a walk already--he's a boy...but i am still counting it as a girly moment.

i am headed out the door in a bit to meet a friend

--no kids

--at a mall

--going to have coffee

awesome!

there will be housecleaning this afternoon

(i guess you can call that a girly moment)

company over tonight--excited!

i am a bit giddy about it all.

everything. now.

God has been reminding me a lot lately about how i am to bring every little thing to Him.  everything.  not some of my stuff, not a majority, but every last ounce.  He has been reminding me of this as some things have felt so overwhelming that my only choice is to cry out to Him.  the difficulties have not gone away or suddenly become 'easy', but i know that there is a God that knows each intricate detail of my life and that He (and He alone) can not only handle each detail, but is Master over them all.  i trust Him with everything because He is a God who loves infinitely, who has paid the ultimate price just so we can have a relationship together, who is holy and sovereign and over all.  i give it all to Him.  today.  now.

thanks

today, i feel especially grateful for good friends, good neighbors, family and friends that love unconditionally.  what a blessing.

maybe we'll celebrate early

my grandpa's birthday is next wednesday. (next week)

the hard thing, hospice is coming in the next few days.

i hope we get to celebrate.

rainy day

it's raining and raining.  my dog keeps going over to the window, longingly looking outside and whimpering.  pacing and chewing on things he should not be chewing on to curb boredom.  we've played fetch and given a treat or two.  colin's walked him through the house a few times.  he came with us on a ride.  and it's not even noon yet.  he's just aching to get outside.  i think i am too.

(i did let colin stomp through puddles this morning.  a wet toddler is far easier to clean up than a wet dog!  smells much better too. :) )

just wonderful

colin is going to be my cassanova.  we were at the store and i was trying on a few things (gotta love end of the season sales!).  i had three dresses i wanted to try on.  got the first one on and i hear from colin:  "oh mom.  that looks just wonderful on you."  i smiled and got a little teary--too sweet.  went on to dress number two.  "well...you could go dance with dad in that one."  and number three.  "mom, you need to get a dress.  it's just wonderful."  thought it was just too sweet.

(i hate to admit that i did not get a dress today.  i did find two shirts though :) )

defying all laws of known physics

colin is entering that territory of needing a small nap, but really, really (and i mean really) does not like to take them.  even though you can see that he is wiped beyond exhaustion, he just will not crash.  every few days, i let him go without--and we all pay the price.

on the days where there is no nap, he sleeps TERRIBLE during the night.  waking up every several minutes crying.  tossing and turning.  no solid rest.

WHY IS THIS???  his little body is so tired, yet he won't fall into that deep sleep.  this defies logic to me--his body is tired, sleep should be deep and good.  or so one would think.  that's colin--defying reason!

no nap today.  guessing i'll be a little sleepy tomorrow...

a new leaf

these past few weeks, i feel like i've taken a beating.  extra and different work hours with lots of last-minute things, lots of difficult news and hospital visits, frustration and tears...feeling like you can do very little right.

i'm thankful it's the start of a new week.  i'm needing fresh and shiny.  i'm ready to turn over a new leaf.  looking for the silver lining. ready for a bright, sunshiny day and any other proverbial saying that says "i'm ready for a fresh start."  bring that on.

jigsaw puzzle

i have had all kinds of events and things happen in my life that have made me ask the question: "God, why in the world would you have me go through this, learn that, ache through this, laugh through that...?"  there have been moments where i have gotten to use one of those things or moments and it makes sense.  there have been times where a new opportunity presents itself and it could only present itself because i was ready AFTER going through all the stuff.

lately, it has been feeling like a series of things that don't necessarily go together--but i know that somehow they will eventually.  i'm ready for the eventually.  i want to see how these pieces come together.  i'm looking forward.

what would my mother say?

supper tonight: milkshake--carmel to be exact.

question asked: how's supper tonight?

carter's reply: "beyond AWESOME!"

colin's reply: "can i have more?"

emotions of the moment

torn. puzzled. confused. concerned.

driven. hopeful. yearning.

questioning. searching. praying.

me too

i come from a family that doesn't display emotion often.  we know we are loved and all love each other--it just isn't always said or outwardly spoken very much.

every time i leave my grandparents' house or get ready to end a phone call with them, i say it every time. "i love you, grandma.  i love you, grandpa."  and not once has it ever been said back.  i know they love me.  i don't expect them to say it back.  that's just who they are.

tonight surprised me.  i called my grandma to see how her day was and ended my call like i do every other time. "i love you, grandma."  and my grandma's reply: "me too, kristin.  call again soon."

it doesn't sound like much, but it was huge.  i cried happy tears.

things someone needs to invent

• shoes and sandals that don't reek at the end of summer (colin's feet have that permenant sandal smell, despite frequent washing!  ugh.)
  
• a way to time children's crankiness  (it's been happening as we're headed out the door instead of when there is a little more time at home in the afternoon...)
• haircolor that lasts as long as the time between salon visits
• more play time
• guilt-free chocolate

i'm sure there are many more things to be invented...this is just the start of the list.

feel free to add more!

role reversal

my grandpa was in the hospital for the second time this year and just came home yesterday.  my mom has been helping my grandma out for the past week or so during all of this.  today, we went up to visit and bring a few things up to everyone.

i watched as my mom parents her parents.  i cut my grandpa's hair, as he can't get out to go to the barber anymore.  i saw my mom meet with the home health folks and organize prescriptions and help my grandpa make it to the bathroom.  i'm watching the child become the parent and the parent becoming more like the child.

it is a very natural thing, but not an easy thing to watch or transition through.  i admire my mom incredibly as she is learning her new role and the love that she is showing through her care.  i hope i can care for her and my dad like that when the day comes.

hurts

feeling a little overwhelmed today with the amount of hurt that surrounds us...

upcoming surgery for a friend, saying goodbyes as friends and family leave to college and other new opportunities, someone's pregnancy complications, disappointments and heartaches.

(we won't even go into the social injustices in the world...)

God's been reminding me that He is God through the difficult things, just like He is of all the blessings.  i'm thankful for that.

home vs. _______________

today was the first day of school.  i lingered a little after the drop-off and picture taking to talk to a few moms.  i love them dearly, but i felt so overwhelmed after our conversation.  the focus was on harried details--mulitple pick-up and drop-off times, trying to get their kids into this extra program and that activity.  i decided that i must be totally messing up my boys' future by not signing them up for everything under the sun or maybe i am beyond ignorant thinking that time at home might be as important as one of those activities or i might be incredibly selfish because i want a little time with them because it seems like they will be moving out before i know it.

when i picked carter up, we got home and i just hugged him.  he hugged back.  (seriously.)  i think he was ready to just be home after a busy day.  i'm glad he likes being here and i hope that when he grows up, he'll tell his kids how he loved coming home and tries to instill that into his kids.

better wrap this up...got someplace to be.  (you can't escape all the harried stuff!)

releasing a day's worth

summer is officially about over.  we had our school's open house tonight and that is always a sign of the season's end.

it was fun to catch up with friends we haven't seen for a bit and meet some new ones as well.  it's interesting to see the moms of first time kindergardeners and the seasoned moms who's babies are in their last year at this school.

i sit in awe of how quickly kids grow.  it is a reminder of how we need to release them a little each day--because the act of having to do it all at once would be absolutely heart-breaking.  my fourth grader walked the halls tonight feeling confident, knowing where to go and what to do.  my heart aches just a little for the moment where he gets to start over again in middle school, unsure of where to go and where his friends will be.

i don't want to make my boys grow up any faster than they need to, but i don't want to hold on too tightly that they miss a step in their growing up.  i'll let go just today's worth and hold on to tomorrow's.  tomorrow will be here soon enough.

we got a wii

i am a mom of boys and a very youthful husband.  video games have become an accepted reality in my life.  i used to fight it--begging and pleading that a great book is just as marvelous--but have given in, knowing that i would never win.  time to embrace this very 'boy' activity of gazing at the screen, frantically looking for the hidden level and all the bonus points.

so...we got a wii today.  we've been on a waiting list, but actually found one in stock today.  i had saved for this moment.  we've charged batteries and gotten all the cables connected.  i've made my mii and got to play for about five minutes.  then, the boys descended from above and have taken over.

i have to admit, it's hilarious to watch them work up a sweat boxing and reminding them to step farther away from the tv as they bowl.  and i do like the idea that they are up and moving during this pastime--far better than before where their backsides would be numb from playing a bit too long.

maybe they are converting me...

serious?

costs and bills always go up, don't they?

today, got a statement from the bank that handles our home mortgage--our payment is dropping next month!!!!!  wwwooooooohhhhhoooooo!!!!!

(the difference will cover a tank or two of gas! :) )

i firmly believe in celebrating the little things.

tick tick tick

at times, i wish there was just more time.

sometimes, it would just help with getting all the things that need to get done, done.  job. housework. bills. yardwork.

sometimes, it would just allow more time with the boys.  or time to read. or practice my instrument. or spend some time learning something brand new.

then i stop and think that God gave this amount of time for a reason.  He has a purpose for the moments placed before each one of us.  no wishing for more time will make it happen.  we just have to make the most of what is right here, right now.

gotta go.  there are things to do and be.

they're baaacccckkkk!

i'm so excited for the next few days.  my mom and dad who've been on vacation celebrating their thirty-fifth anniversary are coming to our house today and will be here for a few days.  friends who've been gone on vacation are back tomorrow.  i've been missing everyone terribly--i can't wait to catch up with them!

there is a plan...right?

i have to say that i am feeling a bit overwhelmed today.  maybe overwhelmed isn't the exact word i want to use...maybe it should be more out of balance or frenzied or organized chaos.

today is nathan's birthday (happy birthday honey!!!) and we have done some little things before because today was going to be just too busy.  we're getting ready to have company over for the weekend--where i won't be here because of a work planning retreat, strings camp and swimming lessons are everyday this week for carter--which means i am taxi extraordinare and cheerleader for those events, three of the four of us are fighting head colds, tons of extra things for work this week with getting some basics ready for that retreat and as we are leading into fall kickoff and in the start of new series, my extra part time work has been rewarding, but time consuming in the evenings after the boys are in bed.  wedding to go to friday evening, getting 'welcome home' things in order for friends and family that are both coming back on friday.  we won't even mention cleaning or bills or errands and the stuff that just needs to get done anyway.

i sat at the computer realizing how precious my few minutes was this morning to do my devotional.  if there wasn't the reminder that God has a purpose for all this rush, i think i'd lose my mind or burst out into a teary mess.  thank goodness He has a plan--i'm hanging on to it for dear life!

conquering fears

for my oldest, carter, this summer has been one of conquering fears.

he really did not like dogs.  at. all.  we now not only own one, but he lays on the floor with him (and chewy is the size of a small horse), wants to take care of him and play with him.  so cool to see that growth in him.

he does not like being alone.  at. all.  he's been overcoming that as i've had him 'babysit' his brother for fifteen minutes while i take the dog for a walk, run a short errand...  he LOVES that he is growing up and enjoys that responsibility now.

tonight.  swimming.  this is a big one.  while he was at the babysitter's when he was four, she let him under the water multiple times, despite his protesting and crying.  we have not been able to beat this one, despite numerous patient attempts.  so...tonight, we begin private swimming lessons.  i will be anxious to add a check to:  conquering fear of water.

he's been on quite the adventure this summer.  awesome to watch him confront and grow.

my boys

staff meeting

we had a staff meeting this morning...thank goodness it didn't go like this one.

not forgotten, but remembered

there have been days in my life that i have felt forgotten--because a friend picked her over me, because my idea was not chosen, because i was overlooked for someone else...at the time, those moments felt like the end of the world. (that comes from the perspective of a middle-class teenager/young adult that had known little outside of her own little world.)

fast forward a few years.  being  forgotten means something far different than it did in years past.  it's based more on the idea of someone remembered--there is a ten year old girl, living in the middle of one of the largest cities in the world.  she no longer is just one of the many children in the city, trying to press on to another day.  her family has always loved her, but she now also has someone half a world away who now thinks about her and loves and prays for her every day.  there is a boy who lives in a village close to the equator who has lost his parents to hiv/aids, but there is a family that loves him and cares for him even though they've never met. these are two children that are not forgotten, but remembered.

forgotten are the millions of children and adults who feel hopeless.  people waiting for help and are waiting for those who have much to share with those that have little.  forgotten are the ones that will not wake up today after they went to sleep beyond hungry.  forgotten are the ones that will dig through garbage heaps searching for scraps to eat or to sell for money.  forgotten are the ones that struggle with the decision to drink contaminated water or go without drinking anything at all today.  forgotten are the families that are piled into a single-room home with raw sewage running by its only door.

this is where i'm infinitely grateful for a ministry like Compassion International.  they give us the opportunity to remember and help the forgotten.  we can sit comfortably in our air-conditioned homes with our filtered water, stocked refrigerators and pantries and clothes and toys and things to amuse us with our focus being centered on ourselves and our own comfort level, or we can get involved with Compassion by making a small committment--by taking a small portion of what God has blessed us with and make a life-changing difference in the life of a child.  a small financial committment and time to write and encourage someone miles away--God can use that act of  remembering to literally change the course of another human being.  we can forget that there are so many struggles in this world, or we can remember and make a difference.

God created each child, each person with infinite worth and value.  i don't ever want to forget that.

pomp and circumstance

chewy (our dog) received his certificate tonight for completing his puppy kindergarden class.  we have worked on 'sit', 'down', 'leave it', 'come', 'stay'...are in the starting phases of loose-lead walking.  i have to admit that he's a 'B' student--he does very well at home in a familiar, comfortable setting--but throw him into a classroom of ten other puppies and well...I'M EXHAUSTED!  he's all over the place, distracted by the smallest thing and will only obey me if i'm flashing treats in front of his nose.

so, just like the real world, the classroom is just the opportunity to gain a few tools that mean very little until applied out in everyday life.  let the adventure begin!

at the same time

coming up, there is a day where i am to be at two places at the same time.  obviously, one thing will have to trump the other and take priority.  unfortunately, the one i want to win won't get to...so i need to deal with the fact that i have to miss something that won't happen again and that breaks my heart.  hoping that things like this will be a once-in-awhile type occurance instead of a regular part of my calendar.

picking shoes

i'm in the kitchen watching my three-year-old play a very intriguing game.  we're picking shoes.

he goes into his room, slides under his bed with all the dustbunnies and is finding shoes of days gone by.  he comes out with one on one foot and a 'match' from another pair and asks me 'which one do you like best?'  i point out the one i like, ask him if that one feels funny because it is on the wrong foot, he replies 'nope', heads back to his room to come out with the next 'pair'.

it's been going on for about ten minutes now and he's had a different combination each time he comes out.  i'm avoiding going in his room at the moment...there are shoes trailing from his bedroom, down the hallway, into the living room, into the kitchen.

(i'm praying he's not picking up my behavior of trying on about four different things before deciding what to wear.  we'll never make it out the door in the mornings!)

a.maz.ing!

ooooooooohhhhh

shiny new toy.  definitely not a need, but a want.

(i've learned that whatever you buy, the second you buy it, it's outdated.)

think i'll have to wait a bit on this one.

a ha!

you ever have those a-ha moments?  those ones that pull all kinds of seemingly unrelated loose ends together and you see not only how they all fit together, but the purpose of all that stuff?

i think i'm having one of those moments.  it's good.  there were some things that i have been struggling with--not sure how to deal with all of it, not wanting to leave it all in some pile in my life like the box of stuff in the basement that just doesn't have any place to call its own (other than the box).  i'm learning it's okay to let all of it go now because God has used it to serve a purpose in my life.  nothing grandeous, just a day-to-day buffing, shaping, molding, sometimes chipping away to get me be a little less like me and a little more like Him.

i need to let something go.  i think i'm doing it...it feels strange, liberating, a little sad for some reason...most importantly, it feels right because it's something that Jesus is asking me to do.  don't know what it all means for tomorrow, but today--a ha!  all of this was never about me in the first place.  (i've always known that, just forgot to live that way sometimes.)  it was about a God that has higher plans and used some day to day things to achieve it.  just glad my eyes have been opened to see and i can look for the next lesson.

actual writing

spent some time writing some letters today, actual get-out-paper-and-write-with-a-pen-kind-of-letters.  it was nice.  e-mail is a wonderful thing, but there is something about a hand-written, i'm-taking-a-few-extra-moments-to-think-of-you, letter.

i hope that people don't forget that craft, of physically writing.  it almost sounds old-fashioned, doesn't it?

unspeakable things

today has been a day full of poop, literally.

started the day with doggy diarrea...i know, gross.

twice on the carpet and then plenty outside.

came home from work to find a coated kennel with a coated dog in it.  ugh.

trying to get that cleaned up while he got some on carter--who freaked out--ugh.

bathed the dog and then cleaned up the tub from it all.

had to run the dog outside to have him go again.

(praying that someone else volunteers for poop patrol in the yard tonight.)

shoveled lunch down my face so the dog could go out again.  sigh.

sat down for a moment, trying to collect my thoughts to hear this:

'MMMOOOOMMMMMMM...oh gross!!!!!!  MMMMOOOOMMMM, the cat threw up in colin's room and i stepped in it.  MMMMMOOOOOMMMMM'.

so i head into his room armed with the spray and the last of this roll of paper towels.

i have no words at that point.

i clean it up, clean carter up (again) and am escaping to the computer for just a bit.

(yes, i'm being a fabulous mom and am letting the boys play gameboys...)

no poop for the moment.

(and for those of you concerned about my dear sweet doggy...he was at the kennel for the weekend--they informed me as i picked him up that they fed him a different food.  "he may be loose for a few days, but this food is so much better for them."  thanks...no really, thanks.)

counting is fun!

a prayer

i pray it every day...'God, help me to be more like Jesus today than i was yesterday.'

help me to be more loving, more compassionate, more forgiving, more understanding, more caring, more patient.  help me to see others as you see them.  help me to trust deeply and leap blindly in faith.

amazing thing is, when i pray that prayer, i am surrounded by people and things that are hard for me to be patient with or loving with or understanding with.  God doesn't just fill us with love and patience and kindness and goodness and faithfulness and gentleness and self-control.  He takes us on a journey where those characteristics are tempered in our lives.  you can't truly be loving until you love someone that is hard for you to love.  you can't be patient until you experience something that stretches you beyond your limit of patience.  you can't be more like Jesus just by wanting it...He takes us on a journey where He stretches and reshapes and remolds us and it will not be easy, but it will be wonderful and we will grow into an incredible reflection of all that Jesus is.

i think so many people use the excuse of 'that's just the way i am.'  it's a license to not be loving, to be impatient, to put my needs first, to act how i want to act despite the impact it has on those all around you.  it is so easy to write things off on our 'temperament' instead of admitting out loud that we need to allow God to work in our lives to help us overcome our shortfallings.  it is so hard to admit that we need help or the ugly parts in our life, isn't it?

we are all works in progress.  Jesus is not finished with us here on earth and His desire is for each of us to be all that God made us to be--to be loving, caring, patient, understanding, thoughtful, selfless people that love and worship Him and love each other for the unique creatures He made each one of us to be.

i will pray it again...'help me to be more like Jesus today than i was yesterday'

despite knowing that i have much to work on today, that i have a long way to go in my journey.

improv mirror

this is one of my favorite groups.  incredibly creative, funny people.

you have to go visit their website @

www.improveverywhere.com

Human Mirror from ImprovEverywhere on Vimeo.

for the dog

okay...we are official 'dog owners' now.  chewy has been with us since mother's day weekend and we've conquered potty training and 'sit.' ('come' on command...well...we're working.)  he knows who to sit by at supper to catch the most 'leftovers.'  he LOVES to go on walks and hunt down innocent little bunnies and squirrels. sprinklers and the baby pool are absolutely irrisistable and he has mastered the sweet, you-need-to-come-be-with-me puppy eyes.

we are headed to visit my sister soon and need to kennel him for two days.  i am dumbfounded as i have been researching boarding in our local area.

1.)  boarding is not cheap.  it costs almost as much as day care for children.

2.)  location, location, location--everything is about as far away as you can get from our house and still say that we live in the same town.  (there are some lovely acreages that offer lots of playspace for your pooch)

3.)  webcams--did you know that some kennels have webcams so you can check in on your sweet puppy?

4.)  it's all about the upgrades--you can pay for extra play time, special snacks, doggie suites for canines that have distinctive tastes (seriously), spa treatments--like special pedicures, massages and accupuncture.  i don't pay for lots of those services for me, let alone my dog! :)

i've narrowed it down to two kennels.  i'm waiting to hear back on availability...if my puppy will make the cut.  yes, i'm going to pay a small sum for them to love my dog for a few days, but i'm definitely skipping on the massage option.

you can't feed them all, but you can help one

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